Turning bad stories into witty blog posts…

Hello people… how are you all doing? Nothing new or unusual with me, except I started a new diet on Tuesday 😀 The plan is to stop eating like a horse and not exceed 1000 to 1,200 calories a day. So far, it has been going well… the third day is usually the hardest for me and I’m past that. So, apart from short episodes of hunger-induced lightheadedness, I’m doing good. This is not my first diet and, knowing me, it probably won’t be my last. I’m doing it because I’ve gone back to wearing over-sized clothes to cover up…

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Strike a pose!

Hi people! I’m sorry I’ve been away for a while… things have been kinda tough for me lately (money wise) :'( You will not believe that I’ve had days where I wake up and I’m really not sure where the next meal is coming from. Somehow though, I always get by thanks to family and friends… I don’t mean to sound like one of those testifiers in my church but the truth is, God has kept me 😀 I’m in this mess because last month, I bought something that I’m still paying for. I realize now that I planned poorly…

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If I could write an open letter, it would go like this…

Good morning people! I didn’t get much sleep last night so I’m crankier than usual today. Plus the MD of my company sent for me… says he wants to see me. I hear I’m in big trouble, so I’m at head office this morning. I’ll gist you guys about that later. It should make a nice blog post… Meanwhile, the power situation at home is getting worse by the day. So, last night, while the heat kept me up I was thinking of what it would be like to write a letter to NEPA. If I could write to them,…

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Drop it like it’s haaawt…

Good morning people… 🙁 It’s bright and early Monday morning and I’m already having one of those days. I got beaten by rain and ended up getting to work more than one hour late… I switched on my system and emails started dropping like dead flies. Now I have a ton of work that needs to be done and I don’t even know where to begin. So I’ve done what I sometimes do when I’m overwhelmed… I’ve shoved everything under my desk to be dealt with later. Maybe by the time I’m done writing this post, I’ll be fine. Or…

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Question for the guys…

Hi people!!

Very short post…

Please, abeg, I need guys to answer a question honestly. And don’t give me the Americanah answer o… I don’t want to hear what you think society would want you to say. I mean, please give me the answer that you believe in, the one that applies to you.

For years, I’ve been wondering about something. I’ve come up with several theories or answers in the past, but so far, none of them have stuck as being true. Recently though, something happened with a friend of mine that has me itching for an answer.

I want to know:

When you meet a girl, and you’re getting to know this girl, how do you decide if she’s the type of girl who will be getting Swarovski jewelry and expensive dinners on a private yacht or if she’s going to be on your road side suya and plastic coke list? Or, if in extreme cases, she gets absolutely nothing. Also, at what point do you decide which group she falls into?

I’ll tell you about the theories I’ve had on this issue and you can tell me where I have it wrong. I was even kind enough to add illustrations  😀

Here goes…

Theory One: Good behavior Theory.

Step 1: Boy meets girl and likes girl…

 

Boy meets girl

Step 2:  Boy toasts girl…

Boy toasts

Step 3: Girl is on good behavior… girl asks for nothing and demands nothing of the guy, even though she would like nice things.

Behaviour

Step 4: Guy decides that girl is nice and deserving of Swarovski jewelry and gives it to her.

Behaviour

Then I realized that doesn’t work because when the girl demands nothing, she gets nothing. The same guy who sold his scrotum online to be able to afford to take his ex girlfriend on a surprise vacation to Dubai is now telling the new undemanding girl that he’s not a magician… he doesn’t read minds. He can’t guess what she wants unless she opens her mouth and talks.

CONCLUSION: All exes have magical juices which, when swallowed, gives these guys special magical seeing powers to see what women would like.

Theory Two: Destiny’s Child Bills Bills Bills Theory

  1. Boy meets girl and likes girl…
  2.   Behaviour

2. Boy toasts girl…

Boy toasts

3. Girl demands for everything above and beneath the earth.

Behaviour

4. Boy sells scrotum on Jumia to meet her demands (including said Swarovski jewelry).

Behaviour

However, that one is wrong too because I’ve heard guys complain about blood-sucking materialistic girls. You ask for too much and the guy will change his number and relocate.

CONCLUSION: The merits of online shopping cannot be over emphasized.

Theory Three: Equal partnership Theory

  1. Boy meets girl and likes girl…

Behaviour

2. Boy toasts girl…

Boy toasts

3. Girl goes out of her way to show boy that she likes him by doing nice things for him like buying him things (that she can afford), cooking nice meals etc

Behaviour

4. Boy appreciates the fact that girl is nice and willing to contribute equally to the relationship and buys her Swarovski jewelry.

Behaviour

That too doesn’t work because the guy ends up deciding that the girl is a strong independent woman and therefore does not need anything from him. In some cases, the boy might even end up asking her for Swarovski cuff links… the limited edition.

CONCLUSION: There’s nothing wrong with Amala perfume… I mean, who wouldn’t wanna smell edible?

So those are my three main theories. I have a few others but they are mostly just variations of these three. Besides, I ran outta stick people images to draw…

Please let me know what you guys (and girls) think. I’m a girl and I like nice things, but I am not a materialistic person… there are certain things I would never ask a guy for. But I just wonder sometimes…

Have a great weekend!!