Author: Ngozi

Waist beads and ankle bracelets…

8

Remember that leaked video clip of Jay Z and Queen B in an elevator, and how Solange charged at him like a raging bull? I remember watching it and thinking, “Wow! What crass behaviour from a lady!” Then I rode off on my high horse… Years later, only a few days ago, I found myself charging at a man and smashing a lamp against a wall. You think you know yourself till you’re stuck in an elevator.  In my past relationships, whenever the guy cheated (and they all did), I would cry dramatically like they do in soap operas and…

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Happy New Year…

12

A few nights ago, I spilled a huge mug of piping hot tea on my bed… My phone got the most of the tea and hasn’t been able to come on since then. I shake it and I can still hear tea swishing around inside. Everyone asks, “Did you put it in rice?” and I act like I never even considered it. First of all, I don’t have rice (because diet). Secondly, the body of the phone is so sticky from all the sugar that was inside the tea. Putting it in rice would’ve just resulted in sweet raw rice…

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Orange flavoured vodka…

, 5

The last time I was this tipsy was at my sister’s wedding… about this same time last year. I was the chief bridesmaid and I didn’t have a major function, but I had lots of small small functions like carrying the heavy tail of the wedding gown, and fanning my sister with one of those fancy folding fans. I remember dancing into the hall with the bridal party and later crying during the couple’s first dance. Other than that, I didn’t get to actually sit and participate in much else until the wedding reception was almost over. As the reception…

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Taxify’s marriage certificate…

, 4

Early one morning, a long time ago in my former office, two senior female colleagues stood by the entrance of the main building. They were huddled together, and they spoke in hushed tones. I saw them but I thought nothing of it because experience had taught me that they could either be deciding the future of someone’s entire career, or they could be expressing grave concerns over what Antonio did to Miguel in last night’s Telemundo episode. The MD arrived while they were still outside. He was such a hard ass. He didn’t like to see people breathe because breathing…

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Testimony Time. Blessing Time.

6

Last year, when I was literally drowning in debt, I told a few friends that I wanted to leave. I didn’t use the term “drowning”, but I explained that I could no longer afford to stay in my flat. I knew that even if I could hustle the rent for another year, I would be picking left-over pizza from Domino’s Pizza garbage for the rest of the year. Looking back now, I realize that I wasn’t really serious about leaving. If not I wouldn’t have told the people I knew would convince me to stay. “Opportunities are HERE in Lagos!…

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