Author: Ngozi

080********

8

Early this evening, I sent the security guy on an errand. I was standing by the gate, waiting for him and watching traffic go by when I heard someone yell my name from across the road. I looked in the direction I heard my name and by the time I realised who it was, it was too late to disappear into the bushes. We don’t even have bushes. I was careful not to smile. I waved a small, barely civil wave. A sensible person would’ve deciphered the wave to mean “Don’t let devul use you this afternoon. Just be going…

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How much is paracetamol?

, 10

Every time I brag about how I’m such a great cook, I burn something as simple as noodles or forget boiling eggs on fire till the eggs and pot turn black. As if the universe is telling me to not brag. Lately, I’ve been bragging about how I walk in divine health and I don’t fall sick, then yesterday I landed in the hospital with Malaria. It’s funny because I used to secretly judge malaria patients… like how did you allow mosquitoes chew you to the extent you got malaria? Are you a missionary worker sleeping in the jungle? Can’t…

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Silent victims of domestic violence…

, 13

On Wednesday, I was called to separate a fight between my neighbour and her house girl. Every time I tell the story, people are shocked. “How can house girl be fighting madame?”. I understand their surprise, but they don’t know this madame like I do. If I was her house girl, I would pee in her morning coffee. We are next door neighbours, our rooms share a wall, so I heard everything. It grew from madame yelling her daily morning yell, to an exchange of words, then raised voices then blows and finally, flying furniture. I heard it, but I stayed in…

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Anti-robbery squad

14

I also thought of calling this post ‘How My Earphones Saved My Life’. For weeks, like a pregnant woman, I’d been craving food from a particular place. First time I went there, it was with a friend. It was unplanned and I wasn’t sure how much money he had so I ordered food like an anorexic bird. This time though, I was returning with a vengeance. The plan was to annihilate the menu. Google Maps estimated it to be a 58 minutes walk so on Saturday evening, I wore my trainers, stuck my earphones in my ears and set off…

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Pounded yam poem

0

It’s me again. I wrote this months ago. I shared it on Twitter and just decided to share it here. It’s not a serious poem… ____________________________________________________________________________ You ever do the stupid love? The kind where you’re trying to out-love the other person? There are no limits to what you can do…  You read those pounding yam tweets and lol in your mind.  Ordinary pounding? Ees nuffin’. Your belly is filled with the knowing that you put that smile on his face. What is ordinary pounding? He said, “I wish I had XYZ”. The timing is perfect because you just got…

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