Hello wonderful people!
Good morning… How are you this beautiful morning? In case you can’t tell, I’m in a great mood 😀 and I’ll tell you why…
I have a colleague who lives with her sister and brother-in-law in my area. Whenever I have to go to the mainland for work, I usually get a ride with them. Her brother-in-law drops us off in front of the office and it makes life a million times easier for both of us. However, her bro-in-law is a bawse… nigga can wake up on any day of the week and decide to not go to work or he can decide to show up in his office at wheneverthefuckhefeelslike o’clock. On days like that, getting to work can be a real pain. We have to stand at our bus stop for ages before we get a straight bus going our way. We still get dropped off in front of our office, but the difference is that the buses are not air-conditioned like our bro-in-law’s car and in the buses, we get squished under random people’s armpits… and our perfumes get mixed up :’(
Today was one of those bus days. We were on the expressway, not far from the office and our idiot driver was on full speed. Another idiot, also on full speed attempted to enter the same lane our driver was entering. Neither idiot stopped and as people screamed and shouted and called for the blood of Jesus, our bus rammed into the car and spun a bit till the idiot driver managed to get it under control. Luckily for us, no other car was around so no one else was involved. Both vehicles were badly dented but the guy in the car didn’t stop… he sped off and continued on his way to wherever.
The other passengers were still shook up after the accident and a few of the ladies were still screaming. Me, I was just excited that I had a new blog post. And not just that… here’s the real reason I’m excited;
Two weeks ago, there was a prayer thing in church. It was for some days and we met every evening to pray. At the start of each meeting, our pastor would encourage people to share their testimonies. The idea was so that other people would be encouraged when they hear testimonies… like a reassurance that their prayers are not in vain and will be answered.
So, one day, I was moved to share my testimony. It was about reconnecting with two people I’ve been trying to reach for over a year… one person I’d been trying to reach is in the right position to help me get a better job, possibly that oil block I’ve been dreaming of and the other person has the power make me president (-_-)
As I said, reaching them has been near impossible so when I got those phone calls from both of them at different times within that week, you bet I thought of it as a miracle… it was a testimony worth sharing. However, immediately after sharing this testimony, I felt stupid. The hall went quiet and people were staring at me with blank faces. I could hear crickets in the background. In their minds, they were like, “You got two phones calls and so what? Shall we then tear our pant in excitement?” It was the pastor who saved me when he started to applaud and only a few people picked up and clapped along with him before the applause died down. Talk about awkward moments! I sat down in shame and vowed that I would never embarrass myself like that again!
You see, my church likes juicy testimonies… the kind that make people gasp in shock and then rejoice at the ending. So, if you did not wake up in a coven surrounded by witches boiling your destiny in a huge pot, or if you were not in a car accident in which the car somersaulted at least five times and caught fire, then you better keep that shit to yourself. No one wants to hear about your phone calls… unless the phone call was from a dead relative, warning you about some future mishap.
And that’s why I’m in such a great mood! I finally have a testimony that will get a round of applause… and if I deliver it well enough, maybe embellish it with one or two somersaults, the choir might burst into song and dance. I could even add that my spirit told me not to go anywhere this morning… or say that the driver was drunk. I’m overwhelmed with all the possibilities!!
Do you guys think I should give a special number first? Should I start crying during the special number or in the middle of the testimony? My fear is that I have a tendency to get carried away… I might mistakenly start singing that Dorobuchi song while the choir is singing. Or am I the only one who thinks it sounds like a church song? I’m getting confused…
I gotta go now… I need to practice my delivery.
Have a wonderful day!
Thank God u r ok! Start with a Big PRAISE THY LORD!
Thank you… Jokes aside, yes, we thank God. Could been worse.
PRAISE THY LORD!
Why are you like this Ngozi. hahahahahahah@dorobucci
My sister, me sef I’ve given up on me… but shebi you agree with about the Dorobucci song? I didn’t even spell it right in the post… smh
Hahahahahaha
I’m laughing so much I can’t even remember to feel awe and joy at your accident escape!!
Thank God we can laugh about it…
Meanwhile, my colleague thinks I’m weird cos I wasn’t screaming.
You are weird na. Even clueless gej knows that.
Hiohiohiohiohiohio…
Rotfl…o boy that 1na die o,
I swear! But it’s juicy testimony material so… 😉
Hmmm…quite the chance for redemption.
Well we thank the Lord for sparing your life & not a scratch too.
Praisify the Lord cuz.
He hath done you well.
Lol! Praisify? smh…
Thanks cuz. :-* :-*
hmm start the story with the ‘bad dream’ you had 3 times in a row. and then hitting your left foot on a big stone just before entering the bus (gasp!) don’t forget to add that as the bus somersaulted 13 times (evil number) you found yourself suddenly sitting at a recharge card booth by the side of the road with a chilled bottle of coke! i bet the entire choir will carry you round the church compound on their shoulders….
Hmmm… sounds like you’ve done this before… (-_-)
I like it! Only thing I’ll change is the coke cos of this blasted diet. Freshly squeezed orange juice would do 😀
Ngozi, true true u no well…….. Ha ha ha. My hubby is going to love reading this. He loves your write ups by the way.
Efewhongbe! Long time sweetie!!… this is making me realize how long it’s been since I visited Facebook. Please send my love to your husband and the kids :-* :-*
lmao start crying in the beginning, then go on to how you wouldn’t be standing in front of them, the living, if Satan had his way earlier today… Go with the flow, break down like ur phone suddenly stopped connecting to the internet. Be sure to thank me later. Lol
I love that “…wouldn’t be standing in front of them, the living, if Satan had his way earlier today…”
It’s perfect! I won’t break down completely though because my cry can get ugly. I’ll be looking like Dame Patience when she was doing her “Diaris God oh!”
Loooool. I’m in stitches right now! !!! Good write up! And yeah.. the accident, “PRAISE THY LORD” it wasn’t worse than that.
I’m so ashamed of myself… replying one month later :'(
I’m sorry darling. And happy belated birthday!
( ._.)
lmao……..lol….. Ngozi, you’re too funny……. Thank God almighty for sparing your life oh.
At church, start with a praise song, then tell the testimony ……as it is…. but add that the experience made you decide to get yourself a car. at this, the Pastor himself will request donation (offertory) from the congregation.
Sorry this is so late… thank you Mary Naps :-*
I wish getting a car was that easy. My church is tiny and it would take many many offerings 🙁
Truely a classic; found myself laughing through the article
Welcome to my blog Rahim… and thank you so much for your comment. Sorry, I’m not usually like this (responding so late).
Life happened 😉
Please visit again.
tnk God for ur life jare! Its bin a long tym my frnd. How r u nd ur job?
Thank you dear… life is good. As for the job… God dey. Hope you’re doing good.
Lolzzz…