Dear Aunty Ngor…

Dear Aunty Ngor,

I have a problem…

Many years ago, I dated this guy. I wouldn’t exactly call it dating because he was much older and more experienced so he kinda just “took” me as his own… I was young and stupid then and although he wasn’t my first, I really didn’t know any better. I’m not tooting my own horn, but I was a babe at the time. I had guys fighting over me. I had have beauty and brains and I could do crazy things with my waist. My nickname then was Flexibility. However, deep down, I knew that none of those men really cared about me… they just wanted to possess me.

And that’s exactly what they did. Guy after guy, it was the same thing. Some were worse than others. Some relationships started off well enough, but in the end, they were all the same.

Anyway, this particular guy I dated, he had a really mean streak… the guy had zero chill. Maybe it was the age difference, I don’t know, but the man put the fear of God in me. One wise crack or one tiny joke about his sexual prowess and ol’ boy would tear me slap. I could never really be myself around him. I realized that the guy meant business when some of my family and close friends started getting missing, or turning up dead in ditches with their tongues cut off.

Needless to say, that relationship didn’t last very long. After him I went through a few more guys till someone set me up on a blind date with this other dude. I think I got caught up in this new guy’s popularity. He made me sooo many promises and for a brief period, he actually seemed like he was different from the rest. He never fought with me. In fact, to be honest, I thought he was a push-over. I was fond of him, but that was all. I didn’t love him… I had given up on love a long time ago. I just needed someone who would treat me the way I deserved to be treated.

I was so wrong! It didn’t take long before the abuse started. He raped me and beat me repeatedly. He was a monster in grey agbada… the exact opposite of what he promised. Sometimes, he would invite his friends over and they would gang-rape me. The worst was when he hid food from me and the kids. He would eat large meals and have the cook put the left overs in take-away packs. I and the kids barely survived on the crumbs that fell off the table.

And there were other women with illegitimate kids scattered around the country. The humiliation was unbearable. On the worst day of my life, in the middle of the night, my kids were kidnapped… snatched from their beds and taken away from me to God knows where. Till now, I haven’t heard a word on their whereabouts. I still blame myself; maybe if I had done something differently that night… if only I had locked the doors and windows… if only I hadn’t mixed those bloody sleeping pills with alcohol, I would’ve heard the intruders when they came… I have carried this guilt in my heart for almost a year now.

My husband said nothing. It was as if he didn’t care. The neighbours tried to talk to him, but he told them everything was fine. He vowed that he would get the kids back safe and sound, but behind closed doors, away from the glare of the public, he would warn me to stop weeping… he said my cries irritated him.

Ngozi, I’m ready to leave him. I don’t think I will ever stop mourning my kids, and I have made up my mind to go. I have had enough…

Our rent expires soon and I think my husband can see it in my eyes that I am fed up, he sees my resolve and he knows he has finally lost me. He has started again with his promises. He swears that he’s going to change… he’s going to take better care of me, he’s going to protect me and (is it possible?) he’s going to get our kids back. I dare not believe him, but what if it’s true? What if he can bring my girls back? What if it was just bad friends that made him the monster that he became?

My problem is that my ex wants me back. I’ve hooked up with him a few times recently and he seems different, more relaxed and less evil… he smiles more and he listens to me when I talk. He never used to listen. He wasn’t the perfect man then, but isn’t anything better than the torment I’m going through right now? I’m so confused… I don’t wanna go back to my old vomit, but I would rather die than stay with my husband.

Ngozi, please help. What should I do?

Mrs Ija, N. A.

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Dear N.A.Ija,

I’m truly sorry for all that you’ve been through. Ordinarily, I would’ve called you a ho’ for dating so many men, but it’s not in my place to judge you.

There’s an old saying; The best way to get over an ex is to get under someone new. Since you can’t keep your legs closed, if you must be with a man, I would suggest that you go back to the dating scene. Go out and meet someone new!

Who says you have to choose between the both of them? You seem to attract the same kind of man. Don’t limit yourself to that. You deserve so much more than what you have been getting. You have about six weeks till your rent expires… go out and meet younger men and women if you swing that way 😉

Good luck!