Dear Ngozi, I’m thinking of relocating to Mars…

Good morning people…

This blog is a little over three months old and I just realized that nobody has written in yet.

So you guys mean to tell me that out of all my Facebook friends, my Twitter people and the other people who stumble across here by mistake, not one single one of you has a problem you think I can help you with? There’s no one in a secret gay/lesbian relationship? Afraid to come out of the closet? None of you is having a scandalous affair with your sister-in-law? No STDs? Unwanted pregnancies?

Nothing?

Well, ok… since you’re all perfect…

I’ve got something I need to get off my chest. Before anyone starts getting excited, I can’t tell you exactly what it is. I thought of writing in “anonymously” but all the parties involved would recognize themselves immediately after “Dear Ngozi”… then I would really be in trouble.

The truth is, I didn’t really do anything wrong per se. Honestly. In fact, if I had to appear in a court of law because of this, I would be found Not Guilty by reason of Congy 🙁

But then I sit and think of all the parties involved and I can’t help but feel responsible for the ones who will be hurt or disappointed by this wrong thing I didn’t really do. And the sad part is that the ones who should take full responsibility, seeing as they were the master minds behind it all, they don’t care… they’ve moved on and left me to deal with my over-active conscience.

So I’ve got people’s feelings I need to consider, my reputation and my friendship with the most affected party. I’m trying to deal with it the best way I can right now but I already know that by the time shit hits the propellers, no one is going to want to hear my side of the story, not even my friend. I will be called the Conniving Daughter of Jezebel and will most likely be cast out of society to live in a dark forest with Miss Piggy (my pet pig) eating wild berries and roasted yam and wearing raffia skirts.

Then every time I come out into town to get batteries for my dildo, some new porn and other minor supplies, people will point and say to the little kids, “That’s that evil girl who tried to destroy a great friendship. She now lives in the dark forest… next to Dr Sid.” At the shop, the shop attendants will say to themselves, “If she had kept a steady supply of them dildo batteries in the first place, she wouldn’t be in this mess.”

And I won’t be vindicated till on the day of judgment when God Himself will look you all in the eyes and ask, “Na she sin pass?” Then He’ll explain what really happened and how it happened. And everyone will apologize for sending me to the forest and they’ll give me the keys to the city and make me Mayor of Heaven…

Ok maybe I’m being a bit dramatic…

A friend of mine says I should confess and save my ass. Me, I’m thinking of relocating… to Mars. It’ll just be me, Miss Piggy and Curiosity; no judgement, no men, no alcohol.

🙁