Ngozi's Blog

Good day people…

So here’s the not-so-good gist.

After that exciting weekend, I was dreading the next week. I knew I was going to have to face real life and all the problems that come with it.

You see, for a while now, I’ve had a erm… let’s call it a “medical condition” or “health issue”. I could’ve done something about it months ago but being a true procrastinator, I kept putting it off. And I’ll admit that I was scared. I was afraid to go to the hospital and hear the doctor tell me rubbish. I felt fine anyways, even though I knew something was wrong…

The funny thing is, I never used to be scared of hospitals… in fact, growing up, I used to get excited whenever I got sick cos I grew up in a house where we were caged in like lab rats. In fact, if not for Child Rights organizations, we would probably have been handcuffed as well… and it’s funny because I look at my parents now and I ask them (in my mind), “Did I not still sha spoil?“…

*smh*

Anyway, back then, a trip to the hospital meant an opportunity to actually go out. It meant going to some place other than church! Lol… In my defense, it was a cool hospital… kinda like a hotel. So I really don’t know when this fear of hospitals developed…

Recently, the erm… “medical condition” started getting worse and I made up my mind to deal with it AFTER my amazing weekend so that if I croaked, I would have cool stories to tell in hell heaven about seeing all those celebs.

I finally started medication on Wednesday and it pretty much kept me down the rest of the week. I can officially describe Thursday, Friday and Saturday as being the worst days of my life. By Friday and Saturday, I thought the end was near cos every time I shut my eyes, I saw a bright light… but the bright light was just my laptop. It was on 24/7, on my bed with me the whole time.

I spent my waking moments watching seasons I to III of Game of Thrones. I usually don’t like those unrealistic fantasy movies or shows… that’s why I still haven’t watched any one of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. But since there has been so much noise about this series, I decided to give it a try… by the end of the first episode, I was hooked. I really enjoyed it, even though I think the season III finale was stupid. Half the cast is dead! Doesn’t make sense…

Oh, and I LOVE Lord Tyrion (Peter Dinklage’s character). He is my bestest part of the show…

A lot of people have complained about the violence. I didn’t mind it at all… I quite liked it actually. What I don’t get though is how nobody ever takes a bath in Westeros. They’ve got people banging each other all day every day and yet no one takes a bath. Only the queen looks clean… And another thing; how come all the women are slim with nice perky tits? We all know that life is not that fair!

Anyway, that’s how I spent my days, in bed watching GOT, ignoring phone calls and stalking people on the internet. My brother was hardly home, but when he was there, he served as my Lucozade Boost fetcher, credits buyer, laptop charger and all-round errand boy.

By Sunday, I started to feel much better. I even made a nice lunch and did some laundry. It’s been getting better ever since… and I think I’m fixed now. I’m still supposed to go to the hospital to make sure everything is good as new once again. Whatever…

While I was writing this, I tried to put myself in your shoes… what I would think if I were reading this on someone else’s blog? I would probably think two things;

1. What kind of dumbass self-medicates in this day and age?

2. Why the hell is she telling us if she’s not gonna spill the details?! She might as well tell us everything.

So…

1. I didn’t self-medicate. I Googled my symptoms and saw the name of the “medical condition” on a website called www.wetindeyworryme.com 😀

I’m just kidding.

I got the go ahead from my doctor friend. He has known about it for a while now…

2. As for the details, they aren’t ever gonna come… I just felt I had to explain why I’ve been gone a while :p

But I’m good now… it doesn’t seem like my dad is gonna get his wish and I’ll drop dead any time soon. If I do, I just wanna state here and now that my sister, Nne, is to inherit all my debts.

See ya tomorrow 😉

Good morning people!!

Yeah, its been a while… I have good news and I have bad news. Or should I say, I have good gist and not-so-good gist. Why don’t we start with the good, fun gist ok?

Last time we spoke/blogged/commented/wharever, was on the 1^st when I wanted to wish you guys a happy new month right? Well, I had crazy plans for that weekend and my blog post on Monday was going to be really cool. The weekend started when I attended Uti’s birthday party on Friday the 2^nd… it was out of this world! I was the only other non-celeb there… the other non-celeb seemed to already know a few people so I was really the only “un-known”. But, being the darling that he is, Uti made sure I didn’t feel out of place. He sat me next to two really cute guys and told them to take care of me.

And I didn’t disgrace you guys too… there were so many music and Tv people there. I’m not ashamed to admit that I couldn’t name half of them. I knew mostly the music people. Everyone else was from Africa Magic. And even though I was honestly celeb-struck, I had to act like they were people I saw everyday… you know… like it’s no big deal… like me and Lynx and Tiwa Savage usually “hang” every Friday night.

I had way too much to drink though… Uti’s Martini people conspired with the devil to destroy lives that night. Or maybe it was just my life… I don’t know, but they made sure there was plenty to drink. And usually, when I’ve had a few, I start to tell all my best jokes. Then when I run out of jokes, I develop a sudden urge to pole-dance 😀

I’m just kidding…

I didn’t pole dance, but I was relaxed enough to not be so shy and have a good time. Sadly, the only picture of me that came out in Bella Naija was one career-ruining picture in which I was laughing my signature Hyena-in-labour laugh. I had my mouth wide open… so wide that you can see down my gullet and see remnants of the amala I had for dinner :’(

Eventually, I left and only managed to get a few hours of sleep before waking up to prepare for Taiwo’s wedding. I had only met Taiwo twice before… she’s close friends with my cousin, and we hung out just once. So I was pleasantly surprised when, months ago, I got an invite to her wedding. No need to go into details about how I almost got into a physical fight with my tailor over my aso-ebi… I needed it to turn out perfect! In the end, it wasn’t exactly what I wanted, but it was close enough.

Brethren, if I was star-struck the night before, then I don’t know the words to describe what I was at Taiwo’s wedding. Did I mention that Taiwo is Dbanj’s sister? D’banj as in The Toto Kokomaster himself…

I. HAD. A. BLAST!! The only musicians not there that day were MJ and The Chipmunks… everyone else was present. I met this guy called Kehinde… my cousin introduced me to him and I thought “oh… cute lil boy” and moved on. I’ll tell you about this later…

Anyway, after most of the old people had gone, the wedding turned into a mini concert… different artists performed and in the middle of one of the performances, people at the back started screaming. Vector was on stage then so I knew the screaming was definitely not for him. My first thought was boko haram and whether or not I would be able to run in my heels…

But it wasn’t those bastards. It was Don Jazzy… he walked in like a bawse, wearing white and looking very VERY delicious. I swear it was like the crowd was hungry and he showed up with his disciples carrying five loaves of bread and two fishes. Yeah, I know the excitement was more about the fact that he had a thing/issue/whatever with D’banj… don’t know, don’t care. We were excited either way. He’s on the big side… a lil bigger than what I imagined, but you know what they say; it’s just a lil’ cushion for the pushin’ 😉

Both of them did a few songs together and took a million pictures and the parry went on… My cousin (the chief bridesmaid) organized a few ushers and threatened to kill anyone of them if our glasses ever got empty. I think they took the threat seriously because they made sure we had wine… and lots of it!

And before you ask, the answer is “No, I am not an alcoholic!” 😉

The next day, I heard the song “Obi mo” for the first time. It was by some dude called K-switch. I fell in love with the song and left it on repeat the whole day and after a while, my cousin got sick of hearing it. It was THEN she told me that the Kehinde guy she introduced me to is the K-switch who did the song!!!

I shoulda kissed that niggas feet when I had the chance… it’s still my song of the moment 😀

That’s all brethren… I gotta go write out part II of this shit… the not-so-good gist :'(

 

Good morning beautiful people!!

No, I’m not dead… yet. I just chose to be quiet for a while because I had hoped that the next time you hear from me, I would have very good news. I didn’t wanna bore you with the same kinds of stories because I noticed that this was slowly becoming a job hunting website. But the truth is, that’s more or less what my life has been about recently- job hunting. So, here we go;

In the past two weeks, I’ve had THREE job interviews, two of which went very well. Let’s call them companies, A, B and C.

After the interviews, I got called back by A and B… C can like to jump in a lake for all I care. I had to take two tests for A; one test was easy, the other test made me question my educational history. It was hard as a mofo’…

Then I took three tests for B. All three tests went quite well. I guess I could’ve done better in some areas, but I consoled myself with the kind of competition I had. The lady who sat beside me (good looking, MSc holder who was writing the same test) asked me to please help her open Microsoft Word and PowerPoint.  At first I burst out laughing cos I thought she was just kidding around to try and lighten the mood since we were all so tense… it was no joke people.

Anyway, A called me back. I got the call late Friday afternoon asking if I could come in and repeat the second test (the one in which I exhibited a staggering degree of illiteracy)… Imagine my excitement!! OF COURSE I could come in! She said she understood how late it was and actually gave me the option of taking my time and coming in on Monday to write it. But Monday felt too far away so I told her that I could be there within the hour…

I should’ve just taken my time like she suggested cos it was after I ended the call that I realized I had absolutely nothing to wear. All my decent “job interview” clothes were in the washing machine (I was still in my friend’s house then) and there was no way my favourite pair of “job interview pants” would dry before I was ready to leave the house. So, I had no choice but to wear an old pair of trousers that belonged to my friend. Now, my friend is much slimmer so it was a battle to squeeze into those pants. They were so tight, you could see the shape of my ovaries. I ended up looking like Wizkid (tight pants, low crotch) but with a nice blouse and nice heels. I had to make up and fix my hair in the cab on my way.

I got there with time to spare. Surprisingly, I was calm and quite confident… sitting in the lobby, watching CNN. Needless to say, the second time around I killed that test. One of the examiners looked over my shoulder and even used the word “Impressive”. Even though I could only take little steps (cos of how tight the pants were) I walked out of there happy and confident.

The whole time, I was thinking how proud you guys would be of me. I was already constructing a blog post in my head… telling you guys the embarrassing story of how I borrowed my friend’s tight pants, looking like a 70’s reject, and you guys would laugh about it and then I would finish the story by telling you that I got the job… and it would all be worth it. Then, I would even upload a picture of myself on my first day of work in my new office…

But alas! I still await the call…

Later that evening, B (the other company) called  and asked me to come in for a final interview the next day (being Saturday). Of course my clothes had dried by then so I went for that interview looking much better. It didn’t matter how I looked because the interviewer literally broke me. It was a tough interview and at a point, the main interviewer flung my CV aside and said that I was boring him. I was sitting there confused as hell… No one had ever used the word “boring” to describe me before. Eventually, he said I had nothing to offer and asked me to leave. Before I left, I told him that if I didn’t have anything to offer, I wouldn’t have gotten to the final two candidates. It was down to just me and one other girl who has a Master’s degree and enough work experience.

I was almost out of the building when his secretary came after me and said that her boss requested that I wait in the reception. I had to wait for the other girl to be interviewed before going back in. When I entered the room, he asked why I smile a lot. I’m smiling because that’s the only thing I can do to you that wouldn’t get me life without parole, I thought. Instead, I told him that smiling would be better than crying… :’(

Anyway, he apologized for being so harsh the first time and we started the interview afresh. It was much better the second time. He said I was/am a very bright person, but then mentioned a few concerns he had about hiring me. In the end, they promised to get back to me.

But alas! I’m still waiting for the call… any call. Both of them are good companies, both of them serve free lunch.

I’m staying positive though.

My friends, especially David, complained that I’ve been quiet for too long…  so I decided to just tell you the story so far. And I’ve also gotta wish you guys a Happy New Month! I’ll let you know as soon as the call comes through…

In the meantime, have a blessed August! 😀

Before we start, if you hear your name, please report to the Principal’s office immediately;

Miss Rukky

Spacyzuma

Ga

Efe

Laolu and

Dr C.

Good morning people!!!

Yesterday didn’t go exactly how I hoped it would… at the end of the day, I got home exhausted and my friend made me dinner (even though she was just as tired). I stayed awake only long enough to eat before passing out on the living room couch.

You remember that company I told you guys about? The one owned by a family friend, where they serve free food for lunch? Yeah, so I got dressed and went there yesterday. The plan was to walk in (like a boss) and demanded to see the head nigga in charge… but I knew that the receptionist would never allow me if I did that, especially without an appointment. The lady at the front desk was being a bit difficult (classic Receptionist 101 behavior). I tried to explain that although I didn’t have an appointment, I was sure he would like to see me. All she had to do, was pick up the phone, call him and ask. She said no.

I thought of pulling the fire alarm and causing a distraction so that I could sneak in while everyone else was running out. Then it occurred to me that (1) the guy I was trying to see would be one of the first to run out of the building and (2) there was no fire alarm.

So I changed my mind and asked to see my friend who works there instead. After I didn’t show up on Tuesday, she sent me a few death threats and promised to circumcise me without anesthesia if I didn’t come and see her director the next day… the receptionist had no problems with that and I was led to my friend’s office. My friend had to make a few calls to find out exactly where her director was. Turned out that the dude had gone out and no one knew when he was coming back!!

At that point, I almost left… that’s how pathetic I can be. A big part of me was relieved that he wasn’t in so that I wouldn’t have to see him. I wanted to score myself a ‘B+’ for effort and then turn around and walk out of the building. But I stayed.

I ended up waiting several hours in the receptionist’s office cos I didn’t wanna bug my friend while she was working. While I waited, I chatted with the receptionist… we talked about her family and kids, her village and work in general. Then I read my novel, took a short nap (and somehow managed not to drool all over my nice shirt), ate 100naira worth of boiled groundnuts, took a stroll around the company premises and wrote a short fiction piece in my jotter. Then I went back to my friend’s office to say hi (again), went to the bathroom to fix my make-up and back to the receptionist’s office.

Finally, “Chief” came back at the close of work. By this time, my morale was disgustingly low… I was tired and hungry (before you judge me, groundnut is not food). The receptionist called and then let me go in. Chief was on the balcony of his office, smoking a Cuban cigar cos, you know, REAL BOSS NIGGAZ DO REAL BOSS THINGS!!!!

When I saw him, I did what I always do whenever I meet someone from the past who might not recognize me. I gave him my best I-hear-I-look-exactly-like-my-mother-when-I-smile-like-this  smile. It worked, because he recognized me almost immediately. He looked at me and said, “Ah! Charity’s daughter!”

It was nice catching up though… he asked me a billion questions; asked about my folks, my siblings, life etc. He wanted to know everything! And he made me feel at ease. There was no awkwardness at all. And he didn’t bite my head off.

Long story short, he basically told me that my Biochemistry degree is useless to him. He doesn’t have a place for me in his company. He needs Engineers instead. He reminded me of how good I was with numbers when I was little… so why didn’t I study Engineering or become an accountant? I wanted to tell him that I’ve banged a few engineers in the past… does that count? 😀

Anyway, he promised to look out for something for me. It’s the kind of promise I’ve heard a million times before but we’ll see how things go. I can’t exactly say it was a total waste of time… at least I tried right? And I’m going to try somewhere else tomorrow as well.

Nevertheless, for telling me to go and for making me miss two episodes of The Simpsons, I would like to see the above mentioned people in my office IMMEDIATELY!

Good morning people!!…

How have you guys been?

I’ve been ok… I’ve more or less moved into my friend’s house. I go back home a few times a week to make sure my brother is alive and to get a few things, but I practically live here now… all my good underwear is here. Her baby is doing great and he’s now very used to me 😀

Nothing much has been happening. I think I’m quite content here so I haven’t had much to bitch about. There’s always light and water, there’s security and I get to watch unhealthy amounts of cable Tv.

I’ve started jogging again. I stopped some time ago after I noticed that I lost too much weight and my ass, once famous for its considerable size and well-roundedness, had gone from “Wow!” to just “bleh”. So I stopped with the exercising and “eating right” and became a spokeswoman for Domino’s Pizza and Chicken Republic sausage rolls. I was aiming for Nikki Minaj… now, almost two months later, I look like Johnny Bravo without the hair. All the fat has gone to all the wrong places!

In other (stale) news, I’m sure you guys have heard about Finn’s Corey’s death… I know a lot of people who think the show is stupid but I actually like it because of the music. I’m a closet Glee fan. And I cried a little when I heard about his death. I was so down that a friend of mine had to ask if I knew the guy personally.  I didn’t know him personally of course… in fact, I’ll admit that I fell in love with his character first. It was when Corey opened up to the world about having substance abuse problems that I liked him. I appreciate people who can admit that their shit does in fact stink and that their life isn’t picture perfect…

Even though I’m glued in front of the Tv, I haven’t been keeping up with this year’s BBA… Usually, I know them all by name and country. I know who likes who and who is loyal to whom. I used to be addicted! This year, I don’t think there’s anyone in that house worth watching at all. The Nigerian guy always looks like a dreadful actor in a poorly scripted, badly produced Nollywood movie. And as for the girl, I don’t mean to point fingers at her (or in her) but she irritates the hell out of me. And her hair stylist needs to be shot…

Meanwhile, I’m in no position to sit and judge other people…

I’m supposed to be on my way out, but I’m sitting in the living room typing this. I recently discovered this company… and I found out that one of the directors of the company happens to be an old family friend from waaaaay back. Our families lost contact ages ago but we were once very close. His second son was my very first crush in my life… I think I was like 7 or 8 when I started dreaming of marrying him.

Anyway, it’s EXACTLY the kind of place I would love to work. It’s an Oil Servicing company with a great work environment, they serve free lunch and it’s not too far from my house. I even know someone who works there. So I’m all dressed up, CV in hand, shirt buttoned low enough to cause a distraction, yet high enough to not be sent back at the gates… (just kidding). It sounds promising right?

So why am I still home?

As usual, my crippling fear of rejection has glued me to this couch and I’m sitting here thinking of all the things that could possibly go wrong with this plan. I know I’ve got nothing to lose. The worst that will happen is that he will say no… and the word ‘No’ never caused anyone to bleed right? ‘No’ never killed anyone.

I think my inner hustler is dead… or maybe I’m just procrastinating.

Besides, it’s looking dark and cloudy outside. Hopefully, it’ll rain heavily so that I’ll put off going there till tomorrow…  I’ll just stay back home, lie in bed and watch re-runs of The Simpsons.

Please , feel free to judge me  ( ._.)