Ngozi's Blog

Good morning people…

It’s been a long time right? Since my birthday last week Monday! I’ll tell you guys what I’ve been up to, but first of all, I’d like us to open our bibles to the book of Daniel 7: 7-8. Today, we’re going to talk about the anti-Christ.

Daniel 7: 7-8…   After this I saw in the night visions, and behold a fourth beast, dreadful and terrible, and strong exceedingly; and it had great iron teeth: it devoured and brake in pieces, and stamped the residue with the feet of it: and it was diverse from all the beasts that were before it; and it had ten horns. I considered the horns, and, behold, there came up among them another little horn, before whom there were three of the first horns plucked up by the roots: and, behold, in this horn were eyes like the eyes of man, and a mouth speaking great things…

 In February, I started having problems with my MTN line… I couldn’t make calls without having to first switch my phone off for a few minutes, then switch it back on again. No matter how much credits I had, I always got an error message saying that I “do not have sufficient credits to make this call”.

I called the idiots in Customer Service a million times and I was told that their company engineers (probably some unqualified, WAEC Cert. holding engineers) were working on the problem. I even visited their office twice and both times, I was told the same thing.

Eventually, one day I called and lost my cool when I was talking to a daughter of Jezebel in customer service. By “I lost my cool” I mean I raised my voice because I was tired of answering the same questions over and over again… Personally, I feel I deserve a pat on my back for not calling her a swine or a tramp or any of the other names that are always at the tip of my tongue. I hung up on her in frustration and after that call, my line was barred. I could only receive calls. I couldn’t even call customer service again…

Call me a conspiracy theorist, but I believe with all my heart that she barred my line intentionally.

Anyway, I finally abandoned my MTN line for about a month and used my other line. But I used to carry the phone around because that line is really my main line… it’s the number most people have, and it’s the number I put down for all job applications. Then one day out of the blue, when I had already settled in to a life of peace and phonelessness, I got a call from someone from MTN. I can’t remember her name… let’s just call her She-goat. So She-goat said she was calling because she noticed that my line hadn’t been in use for about a month. She wanted to know if there was a problem.

“Are you fucking kidding me???!!!” I asked.

I make countless complaints, you do nothing about it and then eventually bar my line. A month later you call to ask WHY my line is not being used? I couldn’t believe my ears… she apologized and promised to report the issue to their engineers. I told her that if they still had the same engineers, she shouldn’t bother reporting it. I didn’t hear from She-goat again.

No need to tell you guys that it was so much more expensive to communicate with people because most of my contacts use MTN. Finally, a friend of mine called his sister and asked her to do something about it (she’s with MTN customer service). She worked on it for a few days till I got a message asking me to switch my phone off, and then on again. I did that and voila! My line was good again. She unbarred it and I could make calls once again… life was back to normal.

Until last week. Now, it’s even worse than before… I do the switching off and on, make my call but after about a minute, I hear that stupid beep that warns you that you’re about to run out of credits. Imagine being in the middle of hot gist, you’re about to find out which one of your friends is banging the other and you run out of credits?!

I’m not even going to bother with customer service again… I don’t have the time or patience. And I’m not even angry anymore, but let us now go back to the scripture so that I can explain the revelation I got;

…and behold a fourth beast, dreadful and terrible…   (MTN’s network is mostly dreadful and terrible)

…and it was diverse from all the beasts that were before it…    (MTN’s color is a disgusting shade of yellow, unlike other normal telecom companies)

…and it had ten horns. I considered the horns, and, behold, there came up among them another little horn, before whom there were three of the first horns plucked up by the roots…   (the horns refer to all existing and upcoming masts)

…and, behold, in this horn were eyes like the eyes of man, and a mouth speaking great things…   (Saka speaks great things)

My dear people, these are the end times… and MTN is the anti-Christ.

Verily verily I say unto you, take heed of my warning and port… or just get a new line. That’s what I plan to do tomorrow.

Let us now bring out our offerings…

😉

Good morning people!

It’s my birthday… today, I turn 21 25 27 31 ( ._.)      #pickanumber

Sadly, it always takes quite a while for the birthday spirit to actually kick in. I’m not one of those people who start a birthday countdown two weeks ahead of time… I don’t make a wish list, I don’t announce to everyone that my birthday is on so and so day and on the actual day, I don’t wake up all excited and enthusiastic and motivated and shit. In fact, in recent years, as the day draws nearer, all I can think about is the fact that each year new brings me closer to menopause and brings my tits a few inches closer to knee level…

It’s when the calls and texts and messages start coming in that I start feeling a bit special, like a birthday girl.

I go through the same cycle every year… by mid-June, I can tell from the pathetic state of my bank accounts how hard my birthday will blow. So I resign myself to my fate. The day finally comes and goes and nothing significant happens. Then I promise myself that the next year will be different, it will be better. I swear to myself that on my next birthday, I’m gonna throw a huge birthday bash to make up for all the other uneventful birthdays… there’ll be caterers and a rented hall and guest artists and male strippers.

Then, come June 15^th the following year, I look into the birthday crystal ball and I can tell that it will be another balls-blowing year…  *smh* The birthday goes by quietly and I spend the time on some soul-searching, making plans for the new year and setting new goals.

This year, I was gonna take a trip by myself. I wanted to go somewhere nice and far away, like a resort or something… just for a few days. I would’ve done all my soul searching while lounging half-naked by the poolside of an expensive hotel, sipping on cool drinks and eating food with names I can’t even pronounce.

Right now though, the only place I can afford to go is to the broom closet… to get brooms. I have lots of housework to catch up on and some laundry to do. I’m letting this year go (again) and there will be no soul searching! I’m not even cooking anything special or baking a cake… but I’m happy. I’m happy in a God-dey sorta way. And I’m content.

It’s only 11:00am and I’m already overwhelmed by the love I’ve been shown by family and friends… especially my siblings who sent in their gifts last week! My dad called and was proud of himself because (he said) “I remembered on my own”… my mum didn’t have to hold a gun to his head. He asked me to thank him and congratulate him. I was wondering what I was congratulating him for since it’s MY birthday. When I asked what for, he said I should thank him for producing me!!

*smh*

My mum called in the middle of the night and prayed for me. And I surprised myself by staying awake throughout the prayer!!!

Which reminds me; I have to call a few friends to remind them to call me today. It’s the best way to avoid a fight… cos I WILL fight if they don’t call. They never ever remember my birthday but they’re special cos they call me quite often, just to find out how I’m doing.

Gotta go people… duty calls.

Happy birthday Ngor Baby!!!

 

 

 

Good morning people!!!

Something odd happened to me recently and I decided to share it with you guys. Before I do that though, I need you guys to think about something…

Imagine that someone walked up to you and shot you in the back of your head, killing you (God forbid). The shooter was masked so you didn’t see him and you don’t know who killed you, but it is your duty to show up as a ghost to give answers to the people you left behind. I don’t know about you guys, but as a ghost, I would have to appear to my sister. I woulda said my mum, but if I appeared to her as a ghost, she might yell at me for getting shot in the first place and getting blood stains on the expensive blouse she got me ( ._.)

So anyway, let’s say I lived in Miami at the time of this shooting and Lieutenant Horatio and Detective Calleigh (the CSI Miami people) are the ones who have to investigate the murder. They would have to ask my sister some questions and one of the first questions they would ask is, “Who do you think might want to harm this sexy beast your sister?”

Ideally my ghost should’ve already given my sister a list of all the possible suspects, including reasons why they might want me dead. The list would have;

– One or two or eight exes…

– Two frenemies…

– My former security guy… I had to fire the idiot some time ago.

– The Chicken Republic sausage roll seller that I was rude to a few weeks ago… why couldn’t she get off her lazy ass to get me change??

– People I owe money ( ._.)

– My dealer (who can also fall under ‘People I owe money’)

And maybe a few other names here and there, but that’s it. Horatio would then use this list to find my killer and the case would be closed!

But I realized recently, that I have no clue as to how long that list really is! I used to think that I treat people well (more or less). I don’t bang people’s husbands, I don’t mess with other people’s boyfriends (knowingly), I pay back money that I owe (except to my siblings) and I say ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’. It sounds stupid, but I actually believed that I knew (almost) everybody that I had ever offended in one way or another. You would think that with all the Africa Magic movies I have watched that I would know better right?

Wrong!

So I have this friend… very vindictive and spiteful woman, but she has her good sides and she’s really not a bad person. Some weeks ago, I fell into a trap she had apparently set for me a long time ago! I’m sorry that I can’t say exactly what she did, but I imagine that it must have been fun for her, looking into her cauldron and watching me fumble. Thank God I know her well, and I know how she operates so it didn’t take me long to realize that I was the victim of one of her revenge plots…  so I was able to save myself and I got out quickly, before she got to the fun part. And it wasn’t just that she was trying to get back at me for something, it was the humiliating way she tried to do it! So much time and patience must have gone into setting that trap.

Yeah, initially, I was hurt and I spent all of three minutes wondering what the hell I did to deserve such evil from her and when I did it (we haven’t seen in years!). But I’m over it now. I don’t care anymore…

However, the whole episode really got me thinking;

How many other people out there hate me because of something I knowingly/unknowingly did to them?

Is there enough paper in this world to list the number of people who want me dead?

If I was being electrocuted by a naked wire, how many people would turn off the circuit breaker and how many would plug their phones to my body to charge?

Do you think the producers will let me come back to life and become a recurring cast member in CSI Miami Season 11?

( ._.)

I suggest that you guys review your own ghost list… there might be some names that belong there that you don’t know about. Please, don’t wait till you get shot.

As you were.

Good day people…

Once again, I had a lovely weekend! I spent the entire weekend (and most of last week actually) back in my friend’s house with my our her baby!!! You might be wondering how she let me come near her child after reading about my plans to kidnap him on this blog right? Well, I called her up one evening and told her I had some very important business matters to discuss with her.  So, she stopped by to pick me up on her way home from work…

I was carrying enough luggage for a one month long vacation, but the sight of my bags didn’t even scare her at all! I think she already knew that the “important business matter” was just a trick to get her to come.

As usual, I had a lovely stay. I was enjoying myself till yesterday morning when my friend came into my room and bundled me up in the sheets. Then she gagged me and dragged me, kicking and screaming, all the way to church. It had been a while since I last went to church… I’m not talking for weddings or funerals, I mean for an actual Sunday morning, praise-worshiping, sermon-hearing, offering-giving church service.

So why has it been so long?

The truth is, I’ve sorta lost faith in “church”. I’m so scared of old-generation churches and yet I do not trust these new-age churches owned by young funky men who say things like “Gonna” and “Wanna”. Also, I’m sure you’ve noticed that ERR’BODY goes to church!!! But if everybody goes to church, who are the girls and women banging our husbands and who are the men granting amnesty to terrorists? Who???

Anyway, as for my fear of old churches, you can like to blame it on my mother.

In her church (an old-generation church), the members believe that there’s a special seat in hell reserved for women who wear trousers. They think that women who wear make-up are direct descendants of Jezebel. I used to go there when I was much younger and the looks I got could freeze hell over. I know now that I was young and inexperienced in the use of make-up. So, looking back, I guess there were days I must have gone to church looking like a young female Marilyn Manson… still all the judgmental looks and statements were unnecessary. I used to feel like the second biggest sinner on Earth (the first being Ideye).

Then, every time I got into some form of trouble, and my mum asked, “What will people say?” I knew that what she really meant was, “What will my church people think?”

Sad to say, I still carry that mentality even in my old age.

So, every time I enter a church, a part of me fears that first of all, I’ll start to convulse. Then maybe I’ll fall on the floor, and start shaking like my vibrator, and foaming in my mouth, with my eyes rolled to the back of my head. Then the pastors might gather round me and try to exorcise my demons by praying in tongues and sprinkling Holy water all over me, till my skin starts to melt and peel in the places that the water touches…

Thank God none of that happened on Sunday. I’ll be honest though; I didn’t enjoy the service at all. It was a typical new-age wanna-gonna church so I already had my doubts going in. The choir was heavenly, the music was beautiful, but the message (which is usually the main thing for me) was pointless and painfully boring… all ten minutes of it. Maybe there was someone who needed that word at that particular point in time, but that someone wasn’t me.

Don’t get me wrong… it had all the necessary sound effects (enough “Whoop whoops!!” and “Yes Pastors!!”). It had the right amount of ginger (“Turn to your neighbor and say, God is in control!!”)… and it had the appropriate amount of self-fondling (“Put your hand on your breast chest and say to yourself, I am a blessing”). It had all the proper ingredients, but it just didn’t do it for me…

The best part about the service was that it was over in an hour n’ a half and some of the male ushers were cute as hell. After service, my friend untied my hands and feet and took me out for lunch and some ice-cream to make up for it 😀

Yes, she spoils me rotten!!!

Anyway, since I suffered no adverse reactions in church yesterday, I’ve decided to try somewhere else this Sunday. I mean, if Tu Face, a guy who has a baby mama for every day of the week, recognizes the fact that “nobody holy pass him”, why should I feel like such a sinner, right?

In the meantime, I want you to turn to your neighbor and tell your neighbor, “Have a blessed week!!!”

😉

Good morning people!!!    😀

I just made a life-changing decision…

More like, I’m in the process of making a life-changing decision. Let me tell you about my weekend first because that was how I got this crazy idea.

It all started on Saturday morning… there I was, lying in bed, bored stiff, broke as hell and feeling sorry for myself. I was listening to music on my phone and thinking of six million ways to die. I had gotten to number 4,875,394 when my friend called me up. She said she was on her way out and asked if I wanted to come along…

“Hellz yeah!!!” I said…

One hour later, she came to rescue me pick me up and off we went! I had been craving that Coldstone’s Coffee lovers only ice-cream the whole of last week so that was the first place she took me to; to get some ice-cream.

I don’t know about other girls but when a girl takes me out, it’s not the same as when a guy takes me out. I don’t get asked out very often by guys, but when I do, I’m always very wary…

Almost every guy has a version of the story where he took a girl out on a date and the date ended up costing him an arm and a leg… it could be that his date came along with her friend, or maybe she ordered enough food for her entire community, or she insisted on “take away” for all the girls in the left wing of her hostel. Either way, by the end of the date, the dude doesn’t have enough money on him to pay for everything she ordered. We’ve heard it a million times before…

And that’s why I’m always wary. I don’t want to be the girl who made a guy deposit his Bold 5 in a restaurant and walk from VI to Surulere because he used his transport money to pay for my Chow mien with Sweet & Sour sauce…

HOWEVER, when my female friends take me out… Oh Lawd!!! Pardon my French, but I fuck that menu up! I get two types of desserts, I order for food I can’t even pronounce, and if the food arrives and it resembles Lizards fried in batter, I’m not ashamed to ask for my order to be changed… One time, I even ordered for VAT ( ._.)

After the ice-cream, we got pizza and then ended up at her place. Sunday was the best cos it was a full house and we made a big lunch 😀 Even my brother came over.

I had so much fun! Did I mention that she has the most adorable baby in the whole wide world? He was honestly the best part of my weekend. We played together, ate together and slept together… he even laughed at all my jokes. I fell MADLY in love with him and I can’t say for sure, but I think he feels the same way… I tried to steal him as I was leaving yesterday but I got caught when my friend noticed movements in my handbag. After a few hours of interrogation, I confessed and handed him over. Besides, he had started crying inside my handbag and no one there believed that it was the sound of my ringtone.

Ok, that last part is a lie…

I didn’t really steal him, but it was SO hard to say goodbye 🙁 Eventually, I did say goodbye and handed him over grudgingly… his mum went to work, he went to daycare and I came back home.

That was when I started thinking of having a baby of my own… I’m 30 years old, and the men aren’t exactly kicking my door down. The truth is that, if I had a child right now, I would owe no one any explanations. My dad might re-re-re-disown me and my mum would probably relocate to Kano in shame, but that is really the worst that could happen. I’m old enough to not owe any explanations. Only thing stopping me is my unemployed state… I can’t have my baby drinking pap and Cowbell milk when he/she should be drinking Nestle Good Start formula.

So, I’m going to answer a few questions that some of you are asking in your minds:

1. Yes, I agree that “God’s time is the best” and that God is “sending me my husband”…

2.

• No, I don’t think I’m too old and I’m not afraid that my eggs are turning to omelets…

3.

• Yes, I understand having a baby is more than having a little person to play dress-up with and it entails a lot of responsibilities…

4.

• No, I don’t give a rat’s ass what “people will say”…

5.

• No, I don’t think it’s selfish of me to bring a child into this world without a father… I’ll just tell the kid that his/her dad died in Vietnam.

All I need now is a well-paying job and a kindhearted individual to donate his swimmers…:D

See  you guys tomorrow.