Ngozi's Blog

Good morning people!!! I’m in a much better mood today…

Not like I was in a bad mood on Monday. I was just lamenting… it took me a few hours to write that post because I had to choose my words very very carefully. I wanted to get my message across and at the same time try not to sound like a materialistic, attention-starved, money hungry welch. And, I didn’t really plan to hurt anyone’s feelings…

Apparently, I did because I got a call from an ex the same day. He was genuinely upset after reading my last post. He said he didn’t appreciate the things I wrote and all that I implied. I told him that nothing was “implied”. It was quite explicit… I even went back to the post to make sure I didn’t mince words anywhere.

I couldn’t understand his pain because it wasn’t like I mentioned any names. Besides, me and him ended eons ago. I don’t even consider him to be an “ex” because of how we ended. It was a messy ending… very Jerry Springer-like where this girl comes to his house while I’m there and I ask, hands on hips, and with all the confidence of a main chick, “Who the hell is this and why is she calling you boo?!” Meanwhile, the girl is mad as hell and spitting fire so he has to take her outside to cool off.

Long story short, it turns out the chick was the main chick after all… and judging from all the accusations she threw at him, I was evidently the chick beside the side chick. In my defense, and so that you guys don’t think I’m completely daft, both main and side chicks lived in different towns, so I really had no way of knowing :'(

The whole time they were outside, I was watching them from inside the house. Initially, my calculations told me that since I was still inside, and she was the one he took outside, she must be the side chick. I was already practicing how I was going to rip him a brand new asshole and two new nostrils when he got back. But, after watching their body language, and listening to her scream about “the five years of my life I have given you”, my side-chickness started to slowly dawn on me…

Anyway, after a loooong while, he somehow managed to tame her and convince her to leave. I think he promised to come and get her later from her sister’s place. By the time he got back to the house, I had left… gone through the back door. Never looked back.

All that drama was such a long time ago! Imagine my irritation at listening to him go on and on and on about how he did the best he could at the time… then he ended by trying to list all the things he ever did for me while we were together. Suffice it to say, the list was shorter than the list of GEJ’s accomplishments…  dude got stuck at number 3!!

Erm… three things in a space of SIX MONTHS??!!

Whatever.

I’m ready for another phone call today… the battle line has been drawn. And all the things I should’ve said on Monday, I will say today.

This isn’t really what I wanted to talk about… I wanted to conclude Monday’s topic. But there really isn’t too much left to say. I can’t even stand and beat my flat chest and boldly say that I will make a change. There’s no guarantee yet that I will treat the next guy differently so I’m just going to be on my own for a while…

You know the saying, Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Well, until I figure out a way to stop giving out free milk, plus suya, plus cowtail pepper soup, plus steak, plus minced beef (for meat pie) and any other food you can get from cows, this bitch is CLOSED FOR BUSINESS!!

Have a splendid day people!! And thank you…

 

Good morning people.

So I’m back home… back to my drab, dreary and painfully boring life where it feels like I’m taking care of everyone else around me and no one is taking care of me in return. I really didn’t want to come back, but when my friend and her husband packed up my bags, threw them over the fence and then changed the locks, I took the subtle hint and left. Besides, I had run out of clean underwear so I had to go.

Anyway… after attending two weddings, two weekends in a row, naturally, I started to think about the dilapidated state of my love life. If I had to use one word to describe the current state of my love life, it would be ‘Policecollegeikeja’… (Actually, that’s three words but I just took out the spaces to make one long word 😀 )… but yeah, you get my drift.

To be honest, I’m quite content being on my own. I love my own company and I’m not afraid of being single. Yeah, there are periods when my single-hood bugs me but most of the time I’m fine… especially in this day and age where Vit. D comes in all forms- rubber, plastic, metal, battery operated, strapped on to a willing friend etc.

Lemme tell you how it is…

Where guys are concerned, I can actually be described as ‘easy’. I’m not easy in the sense that I’ll jump in your bed the minute I meet you… usually I will wait at least five minutes after meeting you (-_-)

Calm down people… I’m just kidding…

Anyway, I mean I’m easy in the sense that, guys don’t usually have to leap through hurdles to get me. If I don’t like you, I will spit in your face and leave no doubts. But if I do like you, you will know. Another thing is, I’m eager to please, I don’t ask for much and I don’t expect much in return. The only guy I ever really gave a hard time was my very first boyfriend (and first love). We were together for quite a while; about 5 years, 8 months, 3 days and 18 hours… but who’s counting right?

An analysis of every other relationship or friendswithbeneship I’ve ever been in after that first one, shows a steady pattern in the kind of guys that I attract or end up with… but these guys don’t know each other from Adam, they didn’t attend the same primary school, there was no round-table meeting where they all plotted to treat me more or less the same way. The only thing they have in common is me!

After further analysis, I have come up with two possible theories;

1. My picture is hanging on a wall in my village and my village people who are chasing me have made it so that only douchebags come my way.
2. The problem is from me.

I’m going with the 2^nd theory because my village people are not that smart.

So, now we know the problem. We have accepted what the problem is. But we gotta wonder; how the hell did I become this girl?

I’m the girl who has to sit and listen to him bitch about how badly his ex-girlfriend treated him. He goes on and on about how he still regrets selling one of his kidneys to be able to buy her the latest Congolese human hair… thank God for me and my baldness though, because he would never have to make such sacrifices. I don’t need hair…

I’m the girl he calls on his way out with his friends… he calls to let me know when he’s leaving, then calls some hours later to let me know he’s on his way back home. He’s excited and he’s telling me how much fun he had and he’s describing all the fine-ass girls they tried to set him up with. Too bad I’m the intellectual type; I don’t like to go out… I like to sit at home and study the chemical reaction that takes place on the wall when paint dries on it.

I’m the girl who doesn’t really talk to you about her problems because “you wouldn’t understand” when deep down she knows that you really don’t care either way.

I’m the girl he picks a fight with as soon as there’s an alert from the bank. Then after a while, when the money has run out, we are friends again and we’re happy eating bread and drinking coke, while watching movies on my laptop on a Friday night.

I’m the girl who assures you that two minutes is all I really need… forget about my porn collection and my battery operated dildo. Why didn’t you hear any sounds? Well, it is because, like Jesus, I cum quietly, like a thief in the night… *sigh*

That’s the kinda girl I am…

The sad part is, I can’t change who I am. It’s too late to make changes… I can’t learn now to start making outrageous demands. How do I tell a guy that I feel like eating Chinese food… in fucking BEIJING??!!

For someone who has spent the majority of her life in Warri, and being an Igbo girl, I have apparently carried the position after last…

Have a blessed week people. And thank you.

We’ll finish this off tomorrow…

 

Good morning people!!!

Where do I begin??? The past two weeks have been AMAZING!!! I don’t have words to describe what it’s been like…

I thought of telling you about every single event or occurrence, but that would make a freakishly LOOOONG-ass blog post. So, I’ll briefly describe the last two weeks of my life… 😀

The last time we spoke, I was in Nkiru’s house for wedding No. 1. That was the one I was a bridesmaid for. You can’t imagine my shock when I discovered that I was the only unmarried woman on her bridal train! All my flirting skills- my sexy eyelash batting, my come-hither-and-toast-me smile, my waist twisting- it was all in vain! All the groomsmen and bridesmaids were married, except me :-(. The only other unmarried groomsman was cute but he looked like he spends a minimum of 4 hours in front of the mirror every day…

My friend, Nkiru, started to feel the pressure a couple of days before the wedding so she let out her inner-bridezilla. We fought a few times and we were both tired, but that week brought me closer to her more than ever. No matter how bad things got, we were always able to see a funny side to it. I will forever cherish those days of running like mad women around Lagos, going to the market, going to see vendors, planning hair and make-up and laughing… always laughing!

After that, my landlord surprised us (me and my brother) by showing up in town unannounced. You might wonder why that is a big deal right? Well, I never told you that the guy I refer to as “Landlord” is actually my daddy ( ._.)

It’s his house I live in; he just doesn’t live in it with me. He came into town for a conference or something like that. One blog post will not be enough to describe what it’s like between me and my dad. Dr Phil himself can’t cure my “daddy issues”… but strange enough, it was a successful visit. He got on my case because of my hair, and complained about a few things in the house, but apart from that, we didn’t fight and I wasn’t reminded of all the bad things I did as far back as Primary 6.

Then, I spent one miserable day cramped up in a bus for almost 9 hours, travelling from Lagos to PH for wedding No. 2. I couldn’t afford a return ticket so I went by road… it was HORRIBLE!! Ordinarily, I love road trips, especially when I’ve got a good book with me. I can read for hours, sleep, listen to music with my earphones and, sometimes, if there’s nice company, I can have good conversations. On this trip though, all I had was music and nothing else. Couldn’t sleep, or read and the company was horrible…

I got to the bus park a bit late so I got a seat between two we-know-they-are-f@*king-fat-but-let’s-call-them-curvy women who crushed my ribcage and flattened my tits with their upper arms. They kept yelling and arguing with the driver… he was either going too fast for them or too slow. The only advantage of being between them was that, since the driver set the air-conditioning to sub-zero temperatures, their body fat provided some warmth 😀

I got to PH safely though (thank God)… I made it just in time for my friend’s surprise bridal shower. I had never attended one before so that was my very first bridal shower. Initially, I wasn’t too comfy in a room full of screaming girls 🙁 but by the time we started playing games and asking naughty questions, I was in my element 😉 We hit the clubs afterwards and didn’t get back till early hours of the morning. I had a bit to drink, but not so much that I was dancing on table-tops or swinging from metal poles. It’s been so much fun ever since… Efe’s wedding is officially the BEST wedding I’ve attended in my life!!!! I’m still recovering from the weekend…

The whole experience made me realize just how drab and disgusting my life in Lagos is. And I don’t want to go back to Lagos… I really don’t :’(

I have to go now. Just wanted to wish you guys a happy new month and tell you how great the Month of May was!! I’ll be back as soon as I can… I’ve still got so much I wanna tell you.

I’m uploading some pictures of myself… I love my look for Efe’s wedding so I’m gonna show you guys what I looked like. This is the closest I’ve come to looking like a human being in a long time 😀

 

                 

Ciao!

 

Good morning people!!!

Just wanted to say hi… I have to rush this post.

I actually started writing this yesterday, in the backseat of a cab. I packed my bags and went off to my friend’s house; she’s the one getting married on Saturday and I’m a bridesmaid! I’ll be back on Sunday.

Sadly, I got lost on my way there… and I’m usually very good with directions. I was pissed, frustrated, tired and hungry. I couldn’t even call my friend cos there was no network. So I let the cab driver go and I sat in a small shop for a looooong while, until I was able to reach her.

The owner of the shop was nice enough… her friend was there and there was a lot of gossiping and husband bashing. They both looked like they fell in a rainbow; their faces had so many colors and shades. The colours from make-up, the shades from skin-bleaching. Their gist kept me entertained though.

Anyway, my weekend officially started yesterday!! So far, it hasn’t gone quite as planned but things are starting to look up. I’m still excited! There’s still a lot that needs to be done though but my friend isn’t stressed… she doesn’t sweat the small stuff. She just wants to get married to her man, whether in a white flowing gown or wrapped in a plastic bin bag. As long as she marries him and lives happily ever after…

Meanwhile, the man-I-kinda-have-in-my-life has started to suspect that I might suffer from a mild form of mental illness. I pick the silliest fights, especially when I feel like he’s getting too comfortable. Most of the time though, he just ignores me.

He’s a simple, happy-go-lucky guy… he LOVES food and thinks that world peace can be attained if all the world’s leaders could sit and talk over a bottle of Hennessy.  Me, I’m the exact opposite. I don’t think life is that easy… so he doesn’t understand sometimes when I get worked up over certain things.

I’m thinking that part of the problem is, I haven’t really made up my mind about him yet… I don’t know why he’s here. Is it my magnetic and charming personality? Is he genuinely interested in me? Or is it the fact that I can fit a whole cucumber in my mouth without gagging? I keep expecting something bad to happen (like it always does). Then I can say to myself, “Aha!! Charming personality my big black ass… I KNEW it was your anti-gagging reflexes!!!”

He’s probably reading this and just shaking his head… ( ._.)

I need to get a new wig so that I don’t destroy my friend’s wedding pictures…

That’s another thing I’ve been thinking about lately; how much I’ve let myself go. I’ve never been a fashionista, but on a good day, I clean up quite nice. My style is pretty simple; jeans and tops that were mostly stolen from my sister. But because I never really go anywhere special, I’ve somehow gotten used to wearing big baggy shirts over leggings or jeans because it’s easy. It allows me eat like a pig and gives my stomach the freedom to hang down to my knees 😀

Then I took the weight-loss thing way too far and all that junk I used to have in my trunk is gone… The best thing about me, the thing that turned heads, the thing that used to get me to the front of cues is now gone!! What I have now is a “boot” that looks like the back of a VW bug. I didn’t even know when it happened.

Finally, there’s my hair. I cut it cos I wanted to start growing it properly, but I honestly do not like the way I look, especially now that it’s growing back out. I comb it in the morning but by the time I get to the bus stop, I look like I’m trying to communicate with the mothership in Venus with 103 antennas sticking out from my scalp.

I was going for the “natural” look, but it doesn’t seem to be working out. On Friday last week, a Deeper Life pastor who runs a supermarket near my house complemented me. He said he loves my look; no make-up, natural hair and decent clothes… all I could say was, “thank you sir.” Then I added a “God bless you” for special effects.

You know it’s bad when Deeper Life people think you’re cool ( ._.) So I gotta make some changes… I’m bringing sexy back people!! I’m going to eat till my ass is restored to its former glory. I’ll fix my hair, or braid it and from now on, I’ll be wearing clothes so tight, you can see my internal organs (-_-)

Bye people!! Sorry this is so disjointed… 🙁

Good morning people!

It’s been a long while since we talked (or since I wrote and you read). Naturally, quite a bit has happened since then…

First of all, remember my writer friend I told you about? Well, he actually won the competition!! So I’d like to thank everyone who voted for him from on here. Your reward is in heaven 😀

And if you didn’t vote, your reward is in the same place as your reward for voting for GEJ into office…

Also, please join me in praising God! My level don change… Once upon a time, there was no difference between me and the people who live under Third Mainland bridge. But brethren, God has now put a roof over my head and delivered me from carpenters. Roof work is done and the wankers are gone!!! Once again, I am free to do naked cartwheels in my living room. There’s still a lot of work to be done in the house, but for now, I’m enjoying the peace and quiet.

Meanwhile, in the past few days, my self-confidence has taken a severe beating on many levels and I’ve been plagued with self-doubt. It started last week when I met a friend for lunch… she was shocked when she saw me. She said she didn’t know I had cut my hair! A few days later, I was outside my house, inspecting the Aluminum work on the roof when another friend called. He asked what I was doing. When I told him, he was shocked (like friend no. 1)…

They both said the same thing; I read about your hair/roof on your blog but I didn’t think you were serious.

????

Then a 3^rd friend visited my blog and he didn’t get past the 2nd paragraph before he complained. His exact words were; “How I wan take read all this many many story? Abeg put picture joor!”

I decided to ignore friend no. 3 because the only thing he reads is the expiry date printed on the packet of his herpes medicine. But the others got me thinking… what the hell have I been writing about?? How can you not take me seriously???

You see, when you become a blogger, you start noticing other blogs. You click on every link that ends with ‘blogspot.com’ and you take out time to read each word, even if it’s crap. Some are serious blogs with meaningful content and big important words like “Recriminate” and “Advantageousness”. Those are the blogs that teach life lessons, give out valuable information and broadcast groundbreaking news.

Then some other blogs have gbagauns in their blog title, gbagauns in their content and because of the similarities in the gbagaun patterns, you suspect that the lone anonymous comment in the comment section was written by the blogger himself. You wonder if those bloggers have friends…

I don’t exactly have a niche. I don’t give you news that you didn’t already hear two days ago. I can’t give you gossip cos I will f&@k up royally when I write things like “…an anonymous inside source called Sidney told me that blah blah blah…”

Entertainment is out of the question.                                       

Sports? No.

Art? No.

IT? *bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!* No.

Fashion? No.

Porn? *silence*

Porn? Erm…

PORN? OK no.

*smh*

I also had a bit of erm… *cough*… man trouble… ( ._.)

There’s this guy. I’ve known him for quite a while actually, but yeah there’s this guy. I’m feeling all girly as I write this… and I can’t say too much about it but he’s the sweetest guy ever! He reminds me of all the things I miss about being part of a couple. But right now, it’s all very very complicated and I’m trying to take each day as it comes.

Finally, yesterday, I attended my very last interview. It was two interviews actually… the first one wasn’t so bad. The guy who interviewed me looked like a model for a condom advert. His shirt was so tight I was having trouble focusing. All the chest muscles I learned about in Anatomy class in school, I could see them through his shirt.

It was the 2^nd interview that made me decide it would be my very last. There were two of em’- the lady in charge and her Smeagol look-alike partner. Madame was busy on her computer so Smeagol did most of the questioning. He asked why I didn’t finish Medicine, and then asked whether I agree that companies don’t call me back because of my age. Don’t I think I’m too old? Then he also asked what my greatest achievement in life is…

As at that moment, my greatest achievement was being able to stop myself from stabbing him in the eye with my pen. Of course, I didn’t say that.

In the end, he concluded by saying that I had failed to “Wow” them. Me, I’m sitting there thinking, “Well, that’s not what yo’ mama said last night when I gave her the D.”

Sadly, the only ‘D’ I have to give is diarrhea so I kept my answer to myself.

Bottom line is, I’m officially sick and tired of having to prove myself to people and feeling like I’m not worthy of certain things. *sigh!*

We’ll have to finish this off tomorrow. Have a great weekend guys…