Ngozi's Blog

Good morning people…

I stand humbly before you this morning, with my head bowed, to ask a favour.

You know how I’m always talking about how proud I am and how I don’t like asking people to do stuff for me? And you guys know how, in all the time I’ve been running this blog, I have never EVER asked you guys for anything…

Some of you have your own companies, but did I ask you for a job even though I’m unemployed? No.

Some of you have hot single brothers… did I ask you to hook me up? No. I stayed content with my dildo.

Some of you have hot husbands and boyfriends… did I ask you to share? No.

So, if you guys think about it, you actually owe me 😀

Here’s the thing;

I have this friend. He’s a really close friend. There’s no need to go into the history of our friendship… all you need to know is that he’s good people.

So this friend of mine entered a writing competition. There were 10 contestants at the start of the competition and every week, one contestant was eliminated. It was like a Big Brother show with lots and lots of stories, but no shower hour *smh*

Anyway, every week, the public had to vote to keep the best writers in. I played my part and I voted, every week. At the start of the competition, I thought of asking you guys to help me vote, but I decided to leave it till the final week. Now we’ve reached the end and he’s in the final 3!! He got to the finals because he’s a great writer… everybody thinks so. And that’s why I have the balls courage to demand beg that you guys vote for him. If he wasn’t any good, I wouldn’t be doing this, trust me.

Why is it important to me you might ask? Well, my friend whines a lot when he’s not happy… if he doesn’t win, he won’t be happy and he’s going to whine till the end of the year and I might get tired of his whining and shoot him in his foot. And that might end our friendship.

So brethren, please vote for him!!! It won’t take up to two minutes of your time…

You can vote while you’re taking your early morning poop.

You can vote while you’re stuck in traffic.

You can vote while you’re waiting for your porn site to finish loading…

You can vote during the sermon in church on your way home from church.

As long as you vote…

Please go to this link www.thenakedconvos.com/thewriter/?page_id=761 and vote for Eziashi Joseph. Voting closes Friday 12:00pm.

Thanks guys ( ,_,) this is very important to me…

Good morning people… Told you I’d be back today. I’ve got a lot on my mind…

Is it me or don’t you just hate it when people ask you “What do you want?”

Apart from “Who’s your daddy?” that has to be the question I hate being asked the most, even though I ask other people a lot.

Usually, if a friend talks to me about a problem, I’ll listen. I’ll listen to your problem, and then I’ll ask you a million questions. Talking to me is like going to see the doctor… an amebo doctor. The many questions are just so that I can fully understand the problem, including the problem’s history. I don’t want to be the one to advise you to poison your husband, only to find out later that he cheated on you after months and months of you starving him of sex.

I digress…

After the many questions, I typically ask, “What do you want?” or “What would make you happy right now?”

I hear all sorts… it could be;

“I want to get back together with my ex” or

“I want to get a Masters Degree in Finance” or

“As a first lady, I want to be able to make an impromptu speech without causing grievous bodily harm” etc.

People always have ready answers, stating exactly what they want. Me, I never do.

Let’s take this job thing for instance…

I’ve worked before and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Of course, there were bad days, horrible days even, but I loved it. I loved constantly being challenged, meeting targets, learning new things, and walking around the office pretending like I don’t know my skirt is too tight…

Anyone I have ever worked for will tell you that I am NOT a lazy person. I know I’m not a lazy person, but the truth is, right now I want a steady income more than I want a job. And, unless I’m ready to be someone’s mistress, a 9 to 5 job seems like the only way to getting that steady income.

So when people ask me what kinda work I want to do, I used to say I could do anything, as long as the bills get paid. But I noticed that an answer like that makes you sound unserious and ambitionless… so I changed it. Now, I tell people that I want to do environmental work. I give a short speech about my time in Health, Safety and Environment as an industrial trainee in an oil company, how much I benefited while working there, and how I developed a strong passion for environmental protection etc etc…

But do you really wanna know the truth?

I don’t give a rat’s ass as to how my farts contribute to the holes in the Ozone layer. I really don’t care.

I know what I want. I have a million things on my bucket list, things that I still have to do/achieve… but most times I’m too ashamed to say it because the things I want don’t sound like what a normal 30 year old, single, unemployed woman should want. So I keep them to myself.

My fear is that, I’ll be so busy trying to do what a normal single 30 year old should be doing, that I’ll neglect what I REALLY want to do. Then ten years later, I’ll hate my kids, hate Tu Face (their baby daddy), I’ll hate my job and I’ll hate everyone around me because I didn’t do what I REALLY wanted to do.

*sigh* I’m just rambling today people…

As you were.

 

Good morning people!!!

For the first time in a very long time, I am able to say that I had an AMAZING weekend!

It didn’t start off as amazing though. There was a minor incident on Friday morning that threatened to spoil my weekend and possibly the rest of my year. Traumatic, disturbing, harrowing are words that cannot even begin to describe what happened… suffice it to say that I have been scarred mentally for life.

I remember waking up that morning and reading Psalm 23. I recited the Psalm and then prayed to God according to the scripture and although there was no response from Him, I had faith and I believed it was gonna be a great weekend. So I went about my day as usual…

Later, I needed to use the gen. I went out to the side of the house to switch it on, and then proceeded to the switch box to change over (from NEPA to Gen). It was then that my life changed and my world was turned upside down.

You see, the roof workers all stay in the little house by the gate (where my security man would’ve stayed if I had one). The switch box is just beside that house. Brethren, as I was passing by the house, the head carpenter ran out BUTT NAKED. He was dripping wet, obviously just out of the shower. His towel was hanging outside and because everyone else was on the roof working, he had tried to quickly run out and grab it himself without being seen.

Immediately, I fell to my knees, looked up to the heavens and with tears streaming down my face, I cried unto the Lord, “Dear Father!! I asked for THY rod and THY staff to comfort me… not anyone else’s!!!”

I don’t really remember what happened after that. The doctor said that I now suffer from dissociative amnesia, which occurs when the person forgets an event that has deeply disturbed them. Apparently, my subconscious has blocked out the whole experience…

( ._.)

Ok, the last part is a lie. I didn’t fall to my knees crying and I didn’t see a doctor… I just turned my face and walked away. Since then, I’ve been avoiding him like the plague and when I do see him, it’s usually very awkward for me.

Anyway, the rest of the day went well… A friend came to see me and spent quite some time with me. Saturday was incredible!!! ANOTHER friend came and rescued me from my life of roof repairs and naked carpenters. We had such a good time! It’s been a while since I went out and just had fun! I didn’t get home till quite late 😀

I spent most of Sunday doing house chores till yet ANOTHER friend came to see me. So basically, my friends made my weekend a great one!!!

In other very important news, my hair is growing and I’m actually starting to look human again… 😀

Hope you guys have a wonderful week! I’ve got stuff I wanna talk to you about, but we’re keeping today’s post short and sexy 😉 See ya tomorrow…

Usually, at the start of a new month, I like to talk about the highlights of the past month, then mention a few things I’m looking forward to in the new month. However, I sat in front of my laptop yesterday morning, thinking about April and I got stuck…

I was wondering, when am I ever gonna be able to write “Happy New Month people!! Last month was just great!”? When is last month going to be “just great”?

Yeah, I know if I think hard enough, I can come up with a few good things that happened in April… but if I have to think so hard, how “good” are those good things? I’m alive, and I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful for family as well, especially for my siblings… and that should be enough right? *sigh!*

Apart from that, brethren, April, like January and February, sucked big time and I’m glad it’s finally over. I made a mistake I’m still paying for and it cost me a friendship… it was a one-sided friendship actually, one of those friendships that I know deep down I’m better off without, but it hurt all the same. So I still wake up every day and I have to remind myself that I did the right thing. What I’m not sure of is if all the drama was worth it… 🙁

Then, I also realized that my blog, and my life in general, serves the purpose of making some people feel better about themselves. Does it give you a hard-on to read about my crappy life? Do your nipples get hard every time you read about how broke or unemployed I am? Do you sit in your house/office/sty and read my posts and say to yourself, “Bad as e bad, my life still better pass Ngo’s own”?

If you do, then screw you very much!

I’m happy for you that you have a roof over your house… mine was leaking and is now being renovated.

I’m delighted that you’ve got your life together… I’m broke and unemployed, but I’ve got my pen. And I’m making magic with this pen!

I’m glad that you’re a strong, self assured woman who never ever bangs the wrong people and all the men who come into your life treat you like a queen… good for you!

I’m pleased that your boyfriend was created on a Sunday, moulded with great care and precision from God’s shit and he can do no wrong… again, good for you!!!

I’m ecstatic that you’ve discovered a cure for AIDS… you can send it to my ex, cos I don’t need it.

I don’t tell you these things so that you can judge me. I tell you so that you can laugh with me to my face or laugh at me behind my back… even if you’re not going to encourage me, don’t ever, EVER use it against me. If you see me somewhere and I’ve got sweat on my forehead, it might be because the weather is hot or maybe I’ve been walking under the sun or I’m probably just nervous about something. Don’t assume that the sweat is rain that fell through my roofless house!!!

And if you guys have people like that in your life, get rid of them. Be happy for them, celebrate them, congratulate them… but get rid of them or else when you listen to them long enough, you start having thoughts that will eventually mess up your hustle…

The funny thing is, some of them mean you no harm… but it really doesn’t help to have them around.

Anyway, we’re in May and I’ve got soooo much to look forward to this month. Two of my really REALLY close girlfriends are getting married this month and I honestly can’t describe how excited I am about that. In the first wedding, I’m actually gonna be a bridesmaid!!! The second wedding is in Port-Harcourt and Lord in heaven knows that I plan to go BUCKWILD that weekend!!! It’s going to be so much fun.

Happy New Month people!!!

😀

Good morning people…

As usual, I had a horrible weekend. Friday wasn’t so bad… NEPA was good to me that day so we had power most of the day. It was on Saturday that the devil decided that he didn’t like that I was almost smiling.

“How dare she almost smile?!” he roared. “I must put an end to this at once!! If we don’t take our time, she might actually smile or, even worse… BE HAPPY!!!”

*collective gasp from Ghadaffi, Hitler and MJ*

“We must not let that happen! Quick,” satan continued, “call Prof.”

“His nastiness, which Prof should we call?” Whitney asked.

“Call Nedu… Prof Nebo. Tell him to cut power supply to that area. Then call her landlord… say anything to get him upset so that he can call her and transfer his aggression.”

“But, your evilship, why don’t we just call her ourselves?” Abacha asked.

“No, we can’t call her.” said satan, “Unless we port, she’s not going to answer any calls from unknown MTN numbers… and that is our network of choice.”

So, I got a call from the landlord. He was pissed because he heard the carpenters were not working… the carpenters said they couldn’t work because there was no wood… and nobody said anything to me about needing wood the day before. Then the landlord’s brother showed up and gave me hell as well and I was tempted to kick him so far that he lands in the Brazilian rain forest, where he can get an unending supply of wood.

Eventually, I snuck upstairs to see if I could jump off the balcony and kill myself hide from the landlord’s brother, just to get some peace and quiet… I was in my brother’s old room, looking at the sky (I told you the ceiling caved in), when I overheard the carpenters talking on the roof.

They were talking about me!!!

They said a lot, but the summary of it all is that;

1. I think I know too much.
2. Oversabi dey worry me.
3. Serves me right for getting yelled at.

I was hurt… not surprised, not angry, just hurt. I’ll tell you why they said all this…

I do everything myself. I fuel the gen myself, organize water, clean the house, cook… everything. The only thing I can’t do is get on a bike with a gallon to buy fuel… but I have a bike man who does that for me. I also have another guy who gets drinking water for me. Basically, I run this motha!!!

Then the carpenters came. They watched me for a few days and after that, the head carpenter (the Lagbaja wannabe) called me and asked why I don’t ask them to help me with little things around the compound… He said that they would be happy to help me if I needed it. I appreciated the offer and I thanked him but, as is my nature, I didn’t trust it.

I’m so proud that I would rather die by electrocution while changing a bulb, than ask a man to do it for me. I can’t stand the sight of their balls swelling whenever a woman asks them for help.

Anyway, I still didn’t ask them for help with anything… so they decided to do stuff on their own. Whenever they see that I wanna fuel the gen, they come and take the jerrycan from me and do it themselves. They didn’t let me do any heavy lifting. They helped me fill the water drum and when it rained, they cleaned up the water in all the rooms upstairs.

I won’t lie… I enjoyed it while it lasted. Life was easier. And I made sure I thanked them every time they did something for me. But I also made sure I never asked directly. Instead, I would just carry the jerrycan or bucket or whatever and act like it weighed 1000 tonnes… I’ll sigh, wipe non-existent sweat from my fore head and grimace, till one of them comes and does it for me.

One day, after the carpenter helped me bring in a mattress that was drying outside, I said thank you as usual. Then he said, “You no know say you keep foam for outside? So if we no dey, na so this foam for sleep outside?”

His question pissed me off, but I was in a good mood that day. The next day, I asked one of his workers to call him and that one said, “abeg, you too dey disturb person o.”

You can’t imagine my outrage!

And that was how the favours ended… I stopped letting them do things for me, even when they offered. There was no beef, no bad blood or anything… I just decided that the best way to avoid getting insulted was to go back to doing my shit myself.

And that’s why they said all the things they did on Saturday. I haven’t been able to relate with them properly since I overheard them. I can’t smile with them or exchange light banter like before… I’m acting like they do not exist. This morning, the carpenter asked if there was a problem between us and since I couldn’t tell him that his balls have gotten too big, I just said we’re fine. Of course he didn’t buy it… he knows something is wrong.

Their work here is almost done… and I really can’t wait for them to get the fuck outta my house.

Bloody wankers!

Now, I’ve exceeded my limit… I’ll gist you about Sunday in another post. Maybe tomorrow…

Have a lovely week people :-*