Ngozi's Blog

Good morning people… How’ve you guys been?

Last week was terribly busy… My friend came into town and I was the (self-appointed) chaperon. She had places to go and people to see so we were constantly on the move, going from one end of town to another. This friend of mine is a very close friend, but in reality, we don’t have very much in common. I met a lot of her friends and, as is always the case with us, I found that I didn’t have too much in common with her friends either.

They weren’t all bad… some were nice enough and it was a genuine pleasure to meet them. Some I felt like throwing over the edge of a cliff just to see if they could fly or, if not, how much of a mess their brains would make on the ground at the bottom of the cliff.

By the third day however, I was tired. I got tired of always having to defend myself, or explain why I am the way I am and why I’m not EXACTLY like them. Eventually, I was able to convince myself that the chances of her being robbed, kidnapped or beheaded in my absence were slim, so I quit my volunteer job as chaperon… she’s been doing her running around alone. She’s still alive and well and un-kidnapped. Our friendship took a slight bruising but we’ll be fine 🙁

Anyway, I wasn’t so busy that I didn’t know what was going on around me…

I think I’m the only person who hasn’t yet cracked a ‘My oga at the top’ joke. Before that embarrassing interview, the term ‘My oga at the top’ was just vernacular for missionary position. Now, thanks to the retarded twit, we won’t hear the end of it…

Yes, I laughed my ass off when I first watched it. In fact, I laughed the first 53 times I watched the video… but by the 54^th viewing, I started to get irritated. 55^th I was angry. 56^th I wanted his resignation. 72^nd I wanted his entire lineage wiped out.

Why, you ask. Well, I was reminded of my days as a youth corper when I served as a Biology teacher in a government secondary school. There were French teachers whose only knowledge of French was “Ménage à trois”… then we had science teachers who couldn’t properly balance a chemical equation. You guys can’t imagine how badly the students were affected by this. And it was those kinds of teachers who had visions of moving up the ladder and maybe one day becoming Principal of a school!!

So, no, I didn’t feel bad when I heard about his suspension. I think he should use this time to sit in front of his mirror every day and recite the words ‘World Wide WEB’ over and over again. And he should learn that most websites end with dot-cum and not ‘dasol’ (that’s all).

I also learned a new language some days ago. I only know a few words (a few bad words) but I’m hoping that with time I will get better. I was learning to speak Ijaw (Bayelsa Ijaw). It’s actually not a difficult language… Let me teach you;

‘Confused’ in Ijaw is ‘Ebele’.

‘F*@kfaced’ is ‘Goodluck’.

‘Wanker’ is ‘Jonathan’.

We can form a sentence using those three words;

Eg. Goodluck Ebele Jonathan is a goodluck ebele jonathan.

You see how easy it is? I’ll let you guys know when I learn more but this is essentially all there is to know…

When I heard that GEJ pardoned Alamie-whatever, I thought maybe he wanted to hire him as a personal stylist and make-up artist for Dame Patience. But alas! I was wrong…

It’s extra painful for me because I’ve always been a secret GEJ supporter. I always say I’m not a fan, but I really am (or used to be). I didn’t use his picture as my Facebook profile picture (like my sister did) but I believed him because at that point in time, I felt he was the lesser of many evils.

Due to recent events, I’m therefore using this forum to officially renounce all things GEJ…

…and any one (lawyer, barrister or whoever) who tries to use legalese to confuse me by telling me that there’s a difference between a presidential “pardon” and “clemency” is just a jonathan who is as goodluck as our president :p

Have a blessed week people…

Hey people…

I didn’t put anything up here yesterday but it feels like I haven’t spoken to you in ages and I actually missed you guys. I can’t explain it but that’s how I felt… 🙁

I had a very nice weekend though cos a friend of mine came over on Sunday and we had pepper soup and talked about everything under the sun, then we looked at pictures of hot, half naked girls on girls on facebook ;-)… I had a really nice time cos I wasn’t expecting him. (Thanks sweetie!!!!)

Anyway, apparently last week was all about the women… We had International Fish Brain Women’s Day during the week, then it was Mother’s Day on Sunday.

I decided I was going to shut up since I didn’t have anything good or positive to say on those days, but then I thought; since when has that ever stopped me? On a good day, half the shit that falls out of my mouth is X-rated and unproductive so why stop now?

You see, I’m one of those people (or probably the only person in this world) who thinks that women are to blame for a lot of the things that have gone wrong and are still going wrong in the world today. And I’m not even referring to the apple-eating-Garden-of-Eden incident that most men use as an example…

It’s a personal belief I’ve held for a very long time but I don’t like to share it because I sound mad whenever I try to explain it 🙁 But, today I’m going to try…

You guys remember Hitler right? He had a mistress who later became his wife… right?

There was Idi Amin who married at least five wives…

And Josef Stalin who married twice…

Abacha, before he died on top of national ho’s, had Miriam…

Osama Bin Laden also married about five times.

For a lot of us, unless your dad is gay, he left you and your mum for who? Another woman…

Do you guys see where I’m going with this? When I think of women, it’s these women who come to mind. Weak, selfish, nut-jugglers who stay silent in the face of the evil that men (their men) do because they benefit from it. You’re probably wondering why I focus on these ones instead of on the Mother Theresa’s, Michelle Obama’s and Oprah Winfrey’s of the world right? Well, it’s because I think the bad ones still far out-number the good ones… and that’s why the world is the way it is today. I therefore refuse to celebrate International Women’s Day 🙁

Last month, when I saw pictures of Henry Okah’s wife after his sentencing, I was pissed… In the scene, she was crying and how I wished then that a stray bullet would penetrate her cheap lace wig, shatter her skull and pulverize her brains!! Is that too harsh? I don’t care…

It got me thinking… maybe a new bill or law needs to be passed. It would state that; Henceforth, any man found guilty of armed robbery, fraud, terrorism, boko haramism (their own has passed terrorism), rape, kidnapping, extortion, drug trafficking etc, especially when any of these acts leads to the loss of human life, should be arrested and charged accordingly ALONG with his ‘ryde or die chick’, unless said ride or die chick can give sufficient evidence of not being ‘ride or die’ and having no knowledge of her partner’s criminal activities. All those in favour say ‘Aye‘…

To avoid persecution, the woman should be able to prove to the court beyond a reasonable doubt that in the course of their relationship, she did one or more of the following;

1. She asked her man why he only goes to work at night and returns early hours of the morning with blood stained clothes. Is he a midnight butcher?

2. She asked her man why he’s always buying chemicals, wires and detonators. And why does he always get nervous and sweaty around a ticking clock?

3. When presented with gifts such as jewelry, cars, iphones, ipads etc, she refused the gifts and asked her unemployed, 200level undergrad boyfriend how he was able to afford them. And by the way, who is Amanda Tautbottom, the white woman from Australia he’s always chatting with online?

If she can’t show that she did any of these things, she should be executed right beside him… because she is just as guilty.

I’m pissed because, even though I know it’s something both women and men do, I actually expect so much more from women. Every time there’s something in the news about some evil deed that one man committed, I always look out for the ‘ryde or die’ chick in the form of girlfriend, wife, mother or mistress. She will always be there…

So what do I suggest these women do?

Well, I really can’t say exactly, but I know that if Oscar Pistol-rius was my son, by now the police would have a handwritten confession, including cartoon diagrams of how the shooting happened. The case would be closed, an apology would be given to Reeva’s family and I would go and visit him every single week of his life-sentence.

If Jerry Sandusky was my husband, I would’ve poisoned him after he raped the first child. Then I would’ve dismembered him and fed him to wild dogs.

If Osaze Odemwigie was my husband, I would’ve hidden his car keys and deflated his tyres…

I would not be quiet in the face of evil!!! And maybe that’s why I’m still single 🙁 But if we spoke up more, if we put up a fight against evil, if we didn’t act like we don’t know that our daughter’s boyfriend is a married man, maybe the world would be a better place and we I can celebrate a guilt-free International Women’s Day.

Just sayin’ people…

 

 

 

Good morning people…

This blog is a little over three months old and I just realized that nobody has written in yet.

So you guys mean to tell me that out of all my Facebook friends, my Twitter people and the other people who stumble across here by mistake, not one single one of you has a problem you think I can help you with? There’s no one in a secret gay/lesbian relationship? Afraid to come out of the closet? None of you is having a scandalous affair with your sister-in-law? No STDs? Unwanted pregnancies?

Nothing?

Well, ok… since you’re all perfect…

I’ve got something I need to get off my chest. Before anyone starts getting excited, I can’t tell you exactly what it is. I thought of writing in “anonymously” but all the parties involved would recognize themselves immediately after “Dear Ngozi”… then I would really be in trouble.

The truth is, I didn’t really do anything wrong per se. Honestly. In fact, if I had to appear in a court of law because of this, I would be found Not Guilty by reason of Congy 🙁

But then I sit and think of all the parties involved and I can’t help but feel responsible for the ones who will be hurt or disappointed by this wrong thing I didn’t really do. And the sad part is that the ones who should take full responsibility, seeing as they were the master minds behind it all, they don’t care… they’ve moved on and left me to deal with my over-active conscience.

So I’ve got people’s feelings I need to consider, my reputation and my friendship with the most affected party. I’m trying to deal with it the best way I can right now but I already know that by the time shit hits the propellers, no one is going to want to hear my side of the story, not even my friend. I will be called the Conniving Daughter of Jezebel and will most likely be cast out of society to live in a dark forest with Miss Piggy (my pet pig) eating wild berries and roasted yam and wearing raffia skirts.

Then every time I come out into town to get batteries for my dildo, some new porn and other minor supplies, people will point and say to the little kids, “That’s that evil girl who tried to destroy a great friendship. She now lives in the dark forest… next to Dr Sid.” At the shop, the shop attendants will say to themselves, “If she had kept a steady supply of them dildo batteries in the first place, she wouldn’t be in this mess.”

And I won’t be vindicated till on the day of judgment when God Himself will look you all in the eyes and ask, “Na she sin pass?” Then He’ll explain what really happened and how it happened. And everyone will apologize for sending me to the forest and they’ll give me the keys to the city and make me Mayor of Heaven…

Ok maybe I’m being a bit dramatic…

A friend of mine says I should confess and save my ass. Me, I’m thinking of relocating… to Mars. It’ll just be me, Miss Piggy and Curiosity; no judgement, no men, no alcohol.

🙁

Hello people!!!

In my CV, under ‘Hobbies’, one of the things I have listed is Art (drawing and painting). And usually, people are surprised to see that. They ask, “You draw?” and I say “Yes!”

However, the truth is that, apart from my eye-pencil and eye-liner, I haven’t picked up any other pencil to draw something in quite some time… I’m talking in almost two years!! Does this mean I lied in my CV?

So, I made up my mind to do some art work to see if I still remember how to rule a straight line. So I dug out my pencils and my water colours. Sadly, my water colours have turned to rocks from lack of use, so I decided to do some pencil work instead.

I thought it would be cool to turn it into a tutorial class in case any one of you would like to join me. I encourage you to, at least for the fun of it…

You will need:

– A sketch pad.

– Pencils (2B, 3B, 4B, 5B and 8B).

– A charcoal pencil.

– Eraser.

– A large bottle of Jergens lotion.

  

Step 1. Pour a generous amount of Jergens in your right hand. Then, gently but firmly, using stroking motions, proceed to ……  (just kidding. That’s a tutorial for another day :-))

The real Step 1. Select a picture that has nice lighting. I picked this picture below because I like the lighting and it covers my ears. I HATE drawing the human ear… my ears never turn out right and in all my portraits, the subject always ends up looking like Frodo. So, if for instance, you hate drawing eyes because they take forever to get right, I suggest you use a picture of yourself or whoever you’re drawing wearing sunglasses.

Step 2. Just DRAW!! Draw whatever you see… draw lightly in case you make any mistakes so that you can easily erase. Below is a picture of my finished art work.

Notice how I was able to aptly capture my generous bosom and the angle of my ogor.

 

I’m kidding!!! Here’s my real work;

I under-estimated the size of my ogor and I couldn’t fit all of it on the paper… and I didn’t draw my ear 🙁 Whatever!! I promise you, it looks much better in real life and although it doesn’t look exactly like me, I’m quite proud of it. So what do you guys think?

Let me know how yours turned out… 😀

 

Good morning people…

Hope your weekend was better than mine… My weekend wasn’t exactly horrible, just a bit busy.

We have guests… Some guys are going to be around for the next two weeks or so to do some major work on the roof. They came and spent a few hours on the roof, taking measurements and marking some spots. Then they came down and sat outside for a while trying to decide how much it would all cost. I could hear them from my magic amebo window.

I waited till I was sure they were done and I went down to ask simply; “Oga, you’ve finished right? So what’s the plan?”

That innocent question got me a Diploma in Roofology. The guy took me round the house, using technical terms to describe EXACTLY what they’re going to be doing and showed me where they would be doing it. I just kept nodding my head and replying, “Oh, ok” and “I see”. Lord knows I didn’t get a word he said… but from the little I got, it is my understanding that they are going to level our house and the house next door and erect a hotel-slash-primary school with an indoor swimming pool. And all this will be done with zinc.

Anyway, for the next few weeks, there’s going to be a lot of banging going on in the house. Some people will also be repairing the roof ;-). On one hand, I’m glad because it means that by the time they are done, whenever it rains, I will no longer have to go outside to stay dry. On the other hand, I’m deeply upset because I honestly don’t like having people in my space 🙁

There will be a lot of ladders and people climbing up walls, looking through windows…

Gone are my days of walking around the house as if I’m in the Garden of Eden prior to the apple-incident… (tmi right?)

Gone are my days of auditioning for West Africa’s Got Talented Idols while taking a shower. Imagine not being able to sing at the top of your voice in the shower?!

Gone are the days of blocking out the world with my earphones and dancing to songs like Thong Song in the privacy of my room… 🙁

I thought of going to stay somewhere else for a while, sort of like a mini holiday, but where would I go? Besides, I have to stay back and monitor the work.

The guys seem pleasant enough I guess. The only problem is that they never ever get thirsty at the same time. So after the first day of going back and forth every 30-minutes to get drinking water, I changed my game plan. Now, when one says he’s thirsty, I get enough water for all of them and say, “Carry these ones in case your brothers need water as well.” By the time they are ready to leave, I will be in full control of their bladders! *evil laugh*

Anyway, all that running around was just because I’m a sucker for the word “Sister”. Like every other woman, I’ve been called in so many rude and disgusting ways by these men- whistling, cat calls and even that sickening half-kiss-half-air-sucking sound. So whenever a guy calls me “Sister” (pronounced ‘Sees-‘ta), it’s like my Kryptonite.

I hear the words, “Sees-ta, abeg I fit get drinking water?” and I run off to Ikogosi Warm Spring in Ekiti state to get it for you.

However, it only works for little things like water, loose change, directions, telling the time etc. “Sees-ta, abeg we fit bang?” is not going to get you far… 😐

Hope you guys have a great week… 😀