Ngozi's Blog

And that’s how we won the Nations Cup…

I couldn’t stop screaming when the whistle blew. Lord knows I wouldn’t have survived another traumatic penalty shoot-out.

Still, I enjoyed the game. Maybe we could’ve played a lot better and not missed so many opportunities, but it doesn’t matter now, does it? We have the cup!!! Anyway, here are my highlights from the game:

1. Early in the game, I felt chills run down my spine when the ball somehow got to our half of the field. The tall guy with peacock hair, who I later found out is called Bance, didn’t hesitate. While our boys were still admiring the sunset, it was like special effects the way he took the ball, spun and sent a powerful shot towards our post, all in a space of a few milli-seconds. The dude didn’t stop to think about it. If it had gone in, that shot would’ve torn the net!! I kept screaming, “Who the hell is that guy??!!! Someone should put a stop to him… or at least break his ankle!!” After that, I was officially afraid.
2. I felt it was kinda eerie how that Pitroipa boy didn’t sweat throughout the entire match. He was strutting around like, Hey look at me… I’m too cool to sweat. My testicles haven’t descended yet and I look like a JAMB candidate, but I’m cooler than you because I’m in AFCON. I was a little scared of him too cos no one ever sees him coming. He’s so skinny and floats around in mid-air, then suddenly, before you know it he just materializes from nowhere and wham! he’s in your face, not far from your goal post…
3. The goal from Sunday Mba was pretty cool, especially because it started out as another clumsy, missed attempt.
4. I almost died of laughter when that Sanu guy slipped and fell in front of the Burkina Faso goal post. If he knew he was going to try and blend into the grass, he should’ve just remained on the bench…
5. I would like to thank the National Association of Burkina Faso Tailors (NABUFAT) for making their shirts so tight… those boys looked so delicious, it made it a bit hard to focus on the game. Most of their players were so cute! And even Bance, who everyone else says is ugly, can put his balls in my net any time. I agree, he’s no Usher Raymond, but we should stop acting like we haven’t seen much worse. Is it because Obasanjo didn’t dye his hair blonde?

I want to make a suggestion to the people who film/air these matches. At the end of the match, there should be two different views. One view should be of the winning team and their celebrations, which will be aired to that country only. The other view, to be aired to the loosing country, will be of their players crying and ripping their jerseys into pieces. This is so that the winners can celebrate with a free conscience. I looked like this yesterday after the match as they were showing the two teams…

*Super Eagles rejoicing*   😀

*Burkinabes sad*      🙁

*Victor Moses smiling*      🙂

*Eagles lifting the cup*     😀

*Bance wiping his eyes*     🙁

*Prejuce taking off his shirt*    😉

I was a confused celebrant… couldn’t make up my mind whether to cry or smile. I felt so sorry for them.

I didn’t get to pop open the bottle of wine because I didn’t have the common sense to buy a wine opener when I got it. A true daughter of my father would’ve found a way around it, but I didn’t have the strength so I had to settle for just holding it in my hand and pumping my fists in the air over the victory…

Anyway, congratulations to the Super Eagles!!! And thank you for making us so proud.

Have a fantastic week people 😀

I’m not playing today and I’m not the coach. I’m not even related to the assistant coach, yet I’m nervous as hell. And if I’m feeling this way, I wonder how our boys are feeling… I’ve been praying and making all sorts of promises to God, if only He would just let us win.

I promise to keep my room tidy…

I promise to stop hiding the remote control from my mother…

I promise not to sin again till tomorrow…

I promise not to make fun of our first Lady again…

I promise to stick to only missionary position…

Honestly, I don’t think anyone really expected them to get this far and now they are here, despite all the insults and swearing and curses to their 16^th generations. The Burkinabes have never won the cup before and I kinda feel sorry for them. But if they read some of the threats against the Super Eagles on Twitter and Facebook, they would have mercy on those poor boys and just hand the cup over. They can go home with plastic cups 🙁

Anyway, I just want to use this opportunity to wish them the best of luck. I’ve got a bottle of red wine for when we win… I was saving it for something else but what better reason is there to get wasted celebrate? Don’t ask me how I know we are going to win… I just do.

Meanwhile, I want to send a quick shout out to the different kinds of Nigerians today…

I’m sending all my love to every proud and shameless Super Eagle supporter!!! God be with us and help us not to die of tension…

To all those who want the cup but are afraid to say it out loud for fear that the Super Eagles might disgrace them, I say keep your fingers crossed and hope for the best. We’ve gotten this far haven’t we?

And finally, I would like to send a special shout out to those who secretly want Nigeria to lose just so that they will have the satisfaction of being able to say, “I told you so”. Here’s a big SCREW YOU!!! 

So, LET’S PLAY BALL!!!!

Hello people…

My weekend isn’t going as planned. After a long, somewhat depressing week, I had planned to go buck wild this weekend. I was going to call up my slutty friend so that we would get up to no good and paint the town red, maybe even wake up in the police station Monday morning. It’s not happening. And so far, it has been one very slow weekend.

I did something drastic today… I cut my hair.

Some of you who know me well enough know that I didn’t have much hair to begin with. Still, I went ahead and cut it. I was in the salon trying to get my hair done when suddenly, the spirit that befell Britney Spears came upon me and possessed me to cut my hair. The hair dresser thought I had gone mad so she called her manager who came to ask if I had mistakenly inhaled some expired hair spray. I said no. I insisted, so they cut it.

So now I look like a pretty mechanic-slash-carpenter, and the true extra-terrestrial shape of my head has been exposed for the world to see. I don’t regret it though… at least not yet. Maybe I will start having regrets when the kids in my neighbourhood hand me a cell phone and ask, “Does E.T. wanna phone home?”

I’ve got enough food in the fridge, fuel in the gen and batteries in my dildo so I don’t think I’ll be going anywhere important for the next few days. I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. For now, you can’t imagine how divine it feels to be able to just stand under the shower and let the water run over my head….

Ok, I lied.

Let me rephrase:

You can’t imagine how divine it is to be able to pour water over my head when I’m taking a bath with a bucket. 🙁

You see, where I stay, I can’t take showers because the water that runs from the taps has all the colours of the rainbow and then some. It’s like an advert for a yet-undiscovered type of skin disease. Call me crazy, but I like to know exactly where all my kraw kraw is coming from.

Are you guys as excited as I am about tomorrow’s match? I’ve decided to overcome the psychological damage I suffered the last time I watched a finals match and I will watch this one. I’m optimistic that we’re bringing home the trophy!!!

May Lionel Messi the God of football be with us. Amen…

I have always had a lot of faith in computers and machines in general. For some reason, I believe in them more than I believe in humans. I’ve never been a victim of anything run by computers. I’m not the type to question electricity bills, ATM receipts, account balance statements and such… if the computer says it is so, then it must be so. Even if there is an error somewhere, I am confident it will be reversed or corrected.

Now, STARCOMMS has taught me that even if computers can’t go wrong, the idiots who operate them can go terribly wrong! Two days after paying to renew my STARCOMMS internet subscription, I am still internet-less.

I had a feeling when I went to the STARCOMMS office yesterday morning, that the tart who was sitting behind the desk, pretending to look busy, didn’t really have a clue what she was doing. For all I know, the fowl could’ve been playing Solitaire on her system.

With all the layers of foundation and powder on her face, I wasn’t surprised when the airhead started giving me serious attitude, like she had seen nude pictures of me in her husband’s cell phone before. I wasn’t in the mood to play Who’s The Bigger Bitch so I just ignored her…

The second warning sign came when, after making my payment, I asked the little wench how soon it would be activated and she said, “I don’t know. Maybe in an hour’s time.” Usually, it doesn’t take that long, but I figured that one hour was the length of time she needed to spell the word “R-E-N-E-W”.

It’s been almost two days now!!!!

You can’t imagine how pissed I am. I have called STARCOMMS customer service a million times, I’ve spoken to countless idiots and listened to them reciting the same shit over and over again in the same manner. The closest these semi-illiterate wankers have ever gotten to the UK is the 2012 Olympic opening ceremony that they watched in their neighbours’ house, yet they all have an irritating wanna-be British accent.

I’ve been told to “Hesesize patience” by a Yemi.

One Remi told me to call back because of a systems “hupgrade that is currently going hon”. I had to ask if they were upgrading to a higher level of lousiness…

Ogochukwu kept asking when I “Med de pehmint” (made the payment).

I’m sure that the next time I call, Sanu will answer. Maybe he would tell me to “compirm efidence of fayment”…

Nobody in STARCOMMS Nigeria has been able to give me any reasons why my subscription has not been activated two days after I paid.

I am writing this now and posting it before I have a chance to cool off. I will not be sleeping this night. I am going to spend the night praying for the same grace God gave Moses. In the morning, I will buy a staff or an umbrella (anything that looks like a rod) and I will proceed to the STARCOMMS office where I will unleash all twelve plagues (and any extra ones I can think of) at once until they LET MY SUBSCRIPTION GO!!!

On behalf of Nigerians, I am going to fight a battle against the STARCOMMS customer service reps and other reps who never give straight answers. If I am arrested for trespassing, disturbin’ tha peace (like Luda!), destruction of private property and public nudity, you guys should tell the world my side of the story. And don’t forget to mention the tart with the heavy make-up who probably got her job the Monica Lewinsky way. Wish me luck 😀

STARCOMMS, LET MY SUBSCRIPTION GO!!!

ps – the public nudity part would just be for fun, in case I get shown on tv 😉

I want to ask a question… When you guys watch a news report or read an article in a newspaper or a magazine, how do you react? I don’t mean how do you react in front of your fellowship members, or in front of your parents… I mean, what is your gut reaction?

At home, while waiting for my normal TV shows, I used to have to sit with my mum in the living room sometimes and watch the news with her. And because of the way I reacted to certain headlines and stories, she would turn to me and give me that Is-it-possible-there-was-a-switch-at-the-hospital-and-this-demon-spawn-is-not-my-child? look… either that or she waits till I’m asleep then creeps into my room in the middle of the night and shaves the back of my head in search of any numbers.

Now that I’m away from home, I have this friend who keeps saying I’m evil… so I’ve really started wondering.

I decided that we are going to carry out a fun little exercise this morning to test our inner evil. I’m going to give you a few scenarios and you are to pick an answer based on a scale of 1 to 10 of possible reactions. If your answer is:

1 – Your reaction is genuine sadness. You feel terrible and even take out time to pray for the victims/persons involved.

5 – You feel a bit sad for the person/victim and you think he/she should’ve known better. Still, you choose not to judge him/her.

8 – You think to yourself, “…and I thought I was stupid.”

10 – You are ROFLYFAO!!!!

So, here we go…. I’ll be taking the test with you. Good luck!

1. You pick up a newspaper and see the headlines “50 YOUTHS FRIED LIKE BURNT PLANTAIN CHIPS AFTER AN EXPLOSION AT THE SITE OF PIPELINE VANDALISATION”. (My ans. 8)

2. You log into Yahoo and see an article, “Victim of Gang Rape Dies in Hospital After Battling Internal Injuries.” (My ans. 1)

3. Your friend is openly dating a married man, who spends ridiculous amounts of money on her and her three kids. She calls you late one night from a hospital and tells you that she was robbed and beaten to a pulp on her way back from their romantic getaway. She can’t see with her right eye. (My ans. 11)

4. You’re listening to your radio and there’s breaking news, “3 Dead and 56 others injured during Dame Patience’s speech.” (My ans. 9… they knew the dangers, why did they still go and listen to her speak?)

5. Your ex-boyfriend (the one who cheated on you with everyone except your mum and your sister) is now married. He overheard his 13 year old daughter on the phone telling her bible study teacher that she will “take his banana till she goes Yo!”. Now he’s confused because there are so many exotic fruits in the house and he doesn’t understand why she has to beg for bananas outside? (My ans. 12)

6. You had a dream that on his way to court, Yusuf (of the pension fund) had a stroke and suffered paralysis in every part of his body except his lips. He was able to move his lips enough to whisper his ATM pin after which he slipped into a coma and died. (My ans. 13)

Now, tally up your scores (obviously, the higher your score, the “eviler” you are)… I scored 54 out of 60. That’s 90% 🙁

Feel free to share your scores with the rest of us… no one here is going to judge you. If you are too ashamed of it, you can fake a score. No one is giving out any prizes either, so it really doesn’t matter.

After analyzing my results, I still don’t think I’m evil. I think I just react the way people WANT to react when no one is looking. Plus, I’m a big believer in that bitch called Karma.

Yes, nobody is perfect and nobody has a right to judge anyone else (least of all me), but aren’t you guys sick and tired of all the foolishness in the world today?

Let’s enjoy our week… 😉