Ngozi's Blog

Recently, for the one billionth time in my life, I was sorta dumped came to the end of yet another relationship. Don’t ask… it’s a long story.

Anyway, the sorta-dumping happened at the worst possible time because I had to make a lot of public appearances in the days after; I had two job interviews, I had errands to run, I had a social event to attend, I had a sick friend I had to visit and other minor things that took me out of the house. So basically, the sort-of-dumping happened in the middle of life.

I didn’t have the luxury of two or three days that I could spend curled up in bed, feeling sorry for myself, watching old episodes of Modern Family all day and crying myself to sleep every night…

There was no time to enlarge his picture and use it as target practice…

No time to create a secret Twitter account from which I could send him anonymous death threats.

I had been sort-of-dumped but life was taking place around me and I couldn’t press ‘Pause’. I had to hold conversations like a normal person, laugh at jokes I didn’t really find funny, force myself to not smash every radio that was playing any song that even remotely reminded me of him and during my job interview, when I was asked my short term goals and where I see myself in five years, I couldn’t reply, “In jail for 2^nd Degree Murder of a boy”. I HAD TO LIVE LIFE!!!

Of course I realize that my sort-of-dumping is highly insignificant compared to real life misfortunes some people have had to face or are currently facing, but it made me think…

And that’s how, in the middle of my search for a pause button, I met a dead guy (more like the story of a dead guy) called Aaron Swartz. He hanged himself a couple of days ago.

Apparently, he was this computer genius and software programmer who, by the age of thirteen, had done things that most of us would never even dream of. The first thing that struck me when I saw his picture was how handsome he was (so sue me… I’m a newly-single girl).  He had a really cute smile and wild dark hair.

He was an internet activist who was arrested in 2011 for illegally accessing and downloading 4.8million academic journal articles from JSTOR so that people could have access to them free of charge. I discovered JSTOR three years ago in my final year in school. While I was working on my dissertation, more than two dozen rats lost their lives because I had no idea what I was doing… Some I overdosed and the others died of hunger. One of the rats even mutated to something that looked like it belonged on X-men. Why? Because I simply couldn’t afford the fees for downloading scientific journals from the JSTOR database. If I had access to the journals, it would have guided me and all those rats wouldn’t have died and gone to rat-heaven or mutant-rat-hell.

Anyway, contrary to what we see in The Sopranos, it seems the FBI has a lot of time on their hands so they somehow got involved in Aaron’s case and eventually, he found himself facing up to 35 years in prison and a one million dollar fine. For someone who was already struggling openly with depression, as he was, I can imagine that the prospect of prison was enough for him to not want to go on.

He’s dead now, and the world has one less brilliant mind, yet still too many Honey BooBoos.

Too bad there’s no such thing as a ‘pause’ button that gives us a break from all our shit. Maybe Aaron woulda used it… but the saddest part is, even if we “pause” personally, the world around us will move on and when we press ‘play’, we’re still going to have to deal with whatever.

Cheers to all the people dealing with shit in their lives…

RIP Aaron…

 

ps: Please does anyone know how to open a secret Twitter account?

You know how we have the laws of The Ten Commandments; thou shall not kill, thou shall not steal, look not upon thine neighbour’s wife’s backside, etc…

We also have the laws of The Common Law system that we practise in Nigeria; thou shall not kill unless ye have a convoy, thou shall not steal except ye hold a public office, etc…

But then, who made all the other laws that we live by? Who decided what is acceptable or unacceptable in our various societies? Even after many years, I’m still asking; who invented school and made me go???

We all do things- like set goals and accomplish our goals, carry out specific tasks and even act in a certain way- for the same silly reason: OTHER PEOPLE!!!

We start at a young age to seek approval and validation from other people. Whether we choose to acknowledge it or not, our need for people to like us or approve of us is the biggest motivation behind a lot of the choices we make in life… it’s only natural.

I once dated a guy whose dad owned a lot of Psychology textbooks. That’s the closest I’ve ever gotten to a degree in Psychology so I’m not going to try to teach you how to let go of your need for approval and build a strong sense of self-acceptance. Do I look like Oprah to you?

No… I’m here today, to blame our mothers. THEY, I believe, are the root cause of this attitude.

If your mother was anything like mine, you grew up with the question “What will people say?” constantly hanging over your head. Don’t act like you don’t know what I mean…

Remember the time you wanted to be the first boy Girl Scout and your mum said, “My God! What will people say?”

Or the time you wanted to drop out of school to go on tour with that Christian stripper group (The Righteous Strippers) and she said, “My God! What will people say?”

How about the time you wanted to get a nipple ring to match your belly-button piercing and she said, “You have a belly-button piercing? My God! What have people said?!”

I’m looking back now and thinking of all the things I could’ve done with my life. And that’s why I have nothing but respect for these auto-tuned, skinny-jeans-wearing young boys who haven’t even started their periods yet but are successful in their field. I’m talking about the Davidos and the Wizkids and the Justin Biebers of the world. They had a dream, and as soon as they graduated from day-care, they pursued their dream… THEIR mothers never asked, “What will people say?”

So let’s dedicate today to the things that could have been… We’ll call it “Blame Our Mothers For Our Sucky Lives Day”. In fact, if you’re still in the exact same position next year and you’ve done absolutely nothing about achieving your dreams, then we can even make it an annual event. That way, people will continue to like us.

Here’s wishing all of us a happy Blame Our Mothers For Our Sucky Lives Day!!!

Cheers…

 

ps- Here’s another option: you can be true to yourself and to your values, and show consideration for those around you, then just go ahead and do whatever the hell you want to do!!!… Me, I’m going to get my Righteous Strippers Membership form 😉

I first heard about the Dana Air crash on Facebook, several hours after it happened. As usual, people were eager to be the first to break the news and the number of updates made it difficult to hope and pray that it was a false rumour. Our local news channels were not covering the story so, with deep shame, I checked the Yahoo website and that was where I first saw pictures and at least got some sort of story, albeit a sketchy one.

It’s hard to believe now that that was just seven months ago. It feels much longer (to me). Maybe it feels that way because of all the other tragedies we’ve faced since the crash. Since the crash, we’ve had three other air disasters (including the cargo plane in Ghana), the brutal Aluu 4 killings, countless road traffic accidents and last but not least, that horrid pink costume outfit Da Patience wore to church on January 1st.

So I was genuinely surprised to hear that Dana Air resumed operations on Friday.  My gut reaction was outrage and I was prepared to come on here and tell the world why the owners and operators of Dana Air should be hung by their erm… feet. I didn’t even know why I was so angry. However, by the end of the joint, I had calmed down. I realized that as a self-professed bloggerer, if I was going to convince you guys to sign a petition to hang them by their jewels, I should at least try and sound half-way intelligent by presenting valid reasons.

So I did a lot of reading. I read a lot of articles on the crash and I went as far as reading the Prelim report (and I’m proud to say I only fell asleep twice). I confused myself in the process though because everybody has an inner Aviation minister… everybody has an opinion, everybody knows what went wrong!!

There’s the argument from the victims on ground who lost property in the crash. There’s also the point of view of the girl who is dating the MD/CEO of Dana; naturally she is worried about a reduction in her monthly allowance if flight operations don’t resume soon. Then, there’s the side of the victims’ families.

I want to share a few interesting things I discovered from my hours of research:

– In other countries, airlines are not usually suspended if one of their planes crashes. In Nigeria, that is the practice. I believe it is done here because the powers that be do not trust themselves. They all carry the same incompetent and corrupt gene so even without being told, they already know that a fellow corrupt incompetent gene-carrier somewhere did not bother to pretend to do what he/she should’ve pretended to do.

– It is only in Nigeria that Black boxes are made of straw… This one, like the Bellview FDR, was found intact but the only information it contained was the pilot’s Zuma scores.

– With all the panels set up, probes and investigations, preliminary reports that go from here to Kazakhstan, accusations and counter-accusations, it has become apparent that we will never know what really happened on that flight.

Therefore, I’m going to base my Jewel-Hanging Petition on just one reason: Dana has no business being in the air when there are victims’ families that still have not been compensated. I’m sure  Dana has learned his its lesson and might even be one of the safest carriers in the country right now because of it… I don’t know, and I don’t care. The fact is that they still have people they need to pay up.

On Thursday, a Washington Post article had the headline “DANA AIR, NIGERIA AIRLINE INVOLVED IN JUNE CRASH THAT KILLED 163, QUIETLY RESUMES FLIGHTS.” Nothing about that flight was quiet… they had celebrities on board and made such a fuss about it. From my house, I could hear the applause of the passengers as the plane landed… and if we are still at a stage where we applaud every smooth take-off or landing, then Houston, we have a problem.

 

Happy New Year!!!!

I’m not sure if people still make New Year resolutions anymore… there’s really no point is there? By the middle of February, you’ll be back to your old ways: back to eating like a pig and not working out, back to being your ex-boyfriend’s booty-call, back to spending money on stuff you truly cannot afford…

Nevertheless, that shouldn’t stop us from making an effort to better ourselves in any way we can, right? At times, we make New Year resolutions in the middle of the year. Something happens in our lives that pushes us to make certain changes in July or even September. I’m going to tell you about the two life-changing things that MTN (mobile telecommunications company) did for me last year, that I have carried over to the New Year:

1. MTN made me take CPR classes. Have you noticed how MTN connectivity is fastest only when your creditors are calling? Or how excellent reception is when your girlfriend is on the phone to let you know the results of her pregnancy test? Service is never shaky during those times. At other times though, when it seems you need them the most, like when you’re being robbed and you need to call one of those emergency numbers, or when you’re in the face of a medical emergency, their service is CRAP! So I learnt CPR. The next time someone is suffering from a heart attack or choking on a bone, or even robbing me at gun-point, I can administer CPR and not have to rely on MTN…
2. The second thing MTN did, which is the most important thing and the actual focus of today’s post, is the cheap Family & Friends call-rates. We’re allowed to register 10 numbers/people under ‘Family & Friends’ who we can call at significantly reduced rates. You can spend ages on the phone with any one of these people and not dent your pockets!

With or without MTN, I believe we all have a top-10 list. We also have a top-20, top-30, top-73 etc.

Imagine that, God forbid, the Grim Reaper shows up at your door step today and says it’s time to go and meet your maker. Luckily for you, he’s in a rare fine mood because the Grim Reapress let him have some this morning, so you’re able to convince him to let you briefly say your goodbyes to the people you love. Where do you begin? This is where your top-10/Family and Friends list comes in. These are the ones you call, worry about, make sacrifices for, go out of your way to see/visit, the ones you can’t stay angry at for too long. However, if your list is filled with wankers who don’t give a rat’s ass about you, then your goodbyes are going to be wasted!!

I have used to have a bad habit of making up excuses for people. Sometimes, the excuses are plausible: “I’m sure he/she cares… He/she is just too busy with work and I don’t expect him/her to take out time from his/her very busy schedule to call me back”.

Sometimes reasonable: “I understand that my girlfriend can’t help me out even though we’ve been friends for eons… besides, everybody has problems. The only reason she helped boyfriend number 67 is because, unlike boyfriend number 66, this guy is the one”.

Sometimes, just plain ridiculous: “My boyfriend really loves me. He loves to see me laugh and have fun… especially when we play his favourite game called ‘Guess Ngozi’s ATM Pin’”.

I could go on and on.

So I decided to do some serious editing. I deleted, rearranged, added and afterwards, I found that there was space for people who sometimes call, just to know how you’re doing. There was space for people who notice that you’ve been a bit quiet on social media and inbox you to find out if your keypad is broken… or people who notice that you’ve lost a lot of weight and ask with genuine concern if you have AIDS. Now, I’m extremely proud of my Family and Friends list.

I realize though, that having someone in your top-10 list is no guarantee that you will make their top-10. Being related to someone is also not a guarantee that you will make any of their lists. For example, if, like me, you owe one/all of your siblings large sums of money, it would be unrealistic to demand a position on any list other than the “List of People To Never Ever Lend Money Again” list. So, what the hell am I trying to say? The MTN spin was just to make the post longer, but I’m sure you get the message. It’s not really about lists; it’s about getting our “people priority” right.

Some time ago, a friend of mine lost a friend to Leukaemia. He heard from a mutual friend that she had died months before then. He was genuinely shocked cos he had no idea that she was sick… he described what a great gal pal she was, how she used to send him a “Happy New Month” text on the first day of every month.

Naturally, I felt sorry for him and tried to comfort him the best and only way I know how. And as we put our clothes back on (just kidding! Jeez… calm down), a lot of thoughts filled my head and I began to wonder…

If she was such a great gal pal, how did he not know that she was sick? And why did it take him almost three months to find out that she was dead?

When last did he ask her “How’re you doing?” and wait for a real reply?

And, finally, Where did I leave my bra?           

This year, we need to FOCUS ON THE PEOPLE WHO REALLY MATTER, especially family!!! I learnt that last year, but I made it a New Year Resolution because it’s one of the things I plan to work harder at it in 2013. I’m not saying we should neglect everyone else and care only for the people who care for us… far from it!! Just don’t make the wankers your main focus.

So, this year, take time to visit friends you haven’t seen in a long while, pay your brother back the money you owe him and for once call your dealer up, not to ask for anything, but just to find out how he’s doing… 😉

God bless!

 

Ps- I told you I could ramble 🙁

Dear Friend,

                     Welcome to my blog!!!! I’m very pleased you took the time to stop by.

           I’ve always been the kind of girl to put my thoughts down on paper. Sometimes, they are quite clever and fascinating, sometimes they are funny, and at other times, when I go back to read what I wrote, they make me question my sanity. Little did I know that a long time ago, somewhere in the universe, the stars had aligned and my blogging fate had been sealed… I was destined to bitch and whine on the internet!

        You see, around the same time my parents were adopting me, Mark Zokerburg Zucckeborge Zuckerberg’s mum and dad conceived him. Fast forward many many years later to when he invented Facebook and the status update question, “What are you doing?” which later became, “What’s on your mind?”. Suddenly, I had an avenue through which I could share with my friends all the crap that crossed my mind on an almost daily basis. Some of them, my friends, encouraged me to start a blog, some (like me) inwardly questioned my sanity and others, the sensitive ones who are easily offended, simply “un-friended” me.

        It took months and months to pick up the courage to finally get this going. I had 4.72million reasons not to start this blog. First of all, in this day and age of easy internet access, every Tom, Dick and Babatunde is a certified blogger! I felt that one more blog by an attention-seeking wanna-be writer in the Blogosphere would be one blog too many. Secondly, I didn’t think I was interesting enough. I don’t watch the news because of how utterly depressing it is, so I’m always the last to hear about whatever Dame Patience boko haram has bombed. It took a while before I realised that ‘PIB’ was not a new position named after Bill and Monica. That’s just me… the most adventurous thing I do is dream about doing adventurous things. So what was I going to write about?

        Lastly, I was scared (still am) that I would lose a few friends. Why? Well, because my honest-to-God opinions would be put out there. They’ll know what I think of their fear-inducing eye-shadow, or their low-life boyfriend… or maybe even get to find out the kinds of things their father says in his sleep 😉

         Alas! I decided, if Tom, Dick and Okechukwu can do it, why can’t I??

         So here I am at last.

         Bloggerring 101 says to always have a topic or main focus in your blog. I don’t have one. On this blog, we (yes, “WE”) are going to talk about everything. We’ll discuss whatever is going on around the world, there will be some self-help how-to lists that I don’t really expect you to take seriously. There will be stories to tell, most of them true, others embellished. I’m hoping that people will write in so that I can share their letters (if they want). However, on slow days, I will most likely just make something up. Something juicy and scandalous, then I’ll put it up here like it’s a letter from a reader. So any time you see one of those ‘Dear-Readers-I’m-a-lesbian-crack-addict-who-is-pregnant-with-my-brother-inlaw’s-baby-so-do-you-think-I-should-tell-my-best-friend-that-she-has-body-odour?’ letters, just know I made it up. Finally, depending on my mood, and the time of the month, there will be a lot of ex-bashing.

           As I have a tendency to ramble, I tried to keep this brief and to the point so I’ll end now. Besides, I can sense one or two people nodding off already. Once again, I’d like to thank anyone reading this, including the people I threatened and those I paid. Thanks for stopping by. Please visit again… and again.

God bless!