The art of writing a resignation letter

Good morning people!!!

( ._.)

So I’ve been wondering… I’ve been gone for two months now (my personal best record). Should I bother to apologize? What would be the point? What if I apologize and then after my apology, I stay away for another two months or more?

For what it is worth though, I am sorry! I really am… I honestly can’t explain how two whole months of my life went by without me coming here. To be honest, it might even have been longer if my website hosting company didn’t get in touch with me… last month, they sent a few mails about an upgrade. When I didn’t respond, they started sending warnings with a lot of technical grammar… talking about my site’s compatibility with PHP 5.4, my web programming language,  and how I should go to the Category Software/Services on my control panel.

WTF???!

At first, I hoped that it was just a test to see if I was dead… But the messages kept coming. In my defense, I attempted to follow their instructions to fix things but when I got to the control panel, it looked like the control panel of the Starship Enterprise… you know that huge board that Captain Kirk and Spok always stand in front of… the one that has all the controls to fly the ship. That’s what it looked like.

Finally, yesterday they sent a notification that, after several failed attempts to reach me, they had gone ahead to do the upgrade themselves. Then they listed all the possible problems my site might face as a result of the upgrade… it was a friggin’ loooooong list of everything from a blank white screen to genital rashes. I was so worried. I didn’t even know who to ask for help :'( I just sat back and watched my website suffer from website AIDS.

I just got the courage to log in this morning (it’s like 2:00am right now) and I’m relieved because my site is still alive!! No blank white screen and my rash was already clearing before the upgrade thing started so I think everything is ok now… 😀

I’ve missed you guys though… my life in the past two months has been all about work. It seems my life was more interesting when I was broke and unemployed. Now that I’m broke and employed, it’s work all day everyday… To be honest, I have been very unhappy miserable. This career-slash-independent-woman life is not all that I imagined it would be. I don’t even have a life outside work anymore… and I feel like I’m not seeing the rewards yet.

It is unbelievable how much trouble I get into on a weekly basis.  It’s a shameful thing to admit, but my mouth keeps getting me in trouble. I’ve been described as rude a million times… And I think the only reason I haven’t been sent packing yet is that I get the job done, and I get it done well.

But you guys know I’m not rude don’t you?… Don’t you?? I’m just a wise ass who doesn’t suffer fools gladly. And I was never gifted/blessed with the ability to kiss ass. If you call me up at 7:30am on a Sunday morning to fix a problem, that problem better be either of the following:

1. You are being held at gun point by an armed robber who wants to go on vacation with you and your family and therefore needs a Leave Request form.

2. The armed robber shot you because I didn’t approve your leave and you are now slowly bleeding to death, so you need the names of all the hospitals registered under our healthcare plan that are located on your street and that start with the letter ‘B’.

3. You are dead and you are at the gates of hell, but you don’t like hell because it is hot, so you want to put in for a transfer to Heaven and your supervisor, Satan, has refused to approve your transfer. You want me to beat Satan for you and make him approve…

If none of the above is why you are calling on a Sunday morning, best believe that I will give you a piece of my mind… I don’t care who you are. And that is how I always get in trouble.

My boss has given me that “The customer is always right” speech so many times that I can now recite it along with her… and when she starts, my mind usually travels to a peaceful, far away land full of Coldstone ice-cream and shirtless hunky men.

A few weeks ago, I got frustrated to the point where I actually drafted a resignation letter. I first of all had to Google ‘How to write a resignation letter’ for a sample because my first draft;

“Dear Sir, I resign. Fuck thee!!”

did not look right, even though it captured my exact sentiments. I wrote that first draft a day after my boss told me that if she had a gun, she would gladly blow my brains out and leave me for dead. I was so dazed and hurt… I didn’t know what to say. When I heard that she handed in her resignation last week, it took all of my will power to not off my shirt and dance skelewu on my desk. Things are better now, but only slightly…

I went on a date on Sunday. Some dude who reads my blog asked me out for lunch and I said yes. When I said yes, I really had no intention of going. I planned to cancel last minute because I had never actually met him before and I was afraid that I was going to end up like Cynthia: I imagined that they would find my half naked body in a hotel room with my throat slit, wearing mismatched bra and panties with holes in the panties ( ._.)

For days my picture would be all over Nigerian blogs and I would be known as the girl with teer-teer-payint.

Another hang up I had was that he is smart… too smart. He’s the kind of guy who knows detailed stuff about shit like the Watergate scandal, the war in Iraq, the government policies of Kazakhstan etc So I felt that the date would be boring and we would have nothing in common. Although I do not apologize for having zero interest in world politics and current affairs, I generally avoid situations where I might be left completely clueless during discussions about such serious issues… I could nod my head in agreement or stroke my beard as if I’m in deep thought, but eventually, someone would figure out that my mind is on Coldstone ice-cream and shirtless hunky men.

But my date turned out great 😀 I had so much fun!!! It’s strange because it feels like he knows me really well… and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. It’s like he “learned me” from this blog, and because of that, he seems to be doing everything right. We’ll see how that turns out… surely, there must be something I can use to disqualify him ( ._.)

Christmas is here again *barfs into a bucket* and people are already getting so excited… As usual, I don’t have plans. Might end up home alone watching movies again like last year.

I should shut up now… and I won’t even bother telling you when next I’ll see you.

Once again, I’m sorry… :'(