Hello beautiful people!!
It’s been over a month since I last wrote to you guys… and since then, I’ve started countless posts that I end up abandoning by the second paragraph. I always get stuck in the middle of the health update. I feel like I should give you guys an update right? It’s the normal thing to do after writing an epistle on how I almost dropped dead last month…
So what’s the update? Well, there’s good news and there’s bad news… The good news is that my heart is fine. I did an ECG, an echo-cardiogram, a chest X-ray and a cardiac profile. In fact, for a period of about 10 days, I felt like my titties were constantly on display for one test or the other. In the end, I was told that my heart is good. The hypertension just put a strain on it.
The bad news is, they don’t know what caused this breakdown, so I’m still being “closely monitored”. I’m supposed to be taking things easy but it’s not working too well. I’ve resumed work and my colleagues have been so good to me. Everybody is trying not to stress me… Sometimes it’s funny to watch them, especially the guy I work with. He doesn’t know exactly what’s wrong so he acts like I might drop dead any minute. It’s a good thing I have a conscience, or else I would’ve dropped all my work on his desk. He’s nice like that…
Generally, I think I’m ok. I carry a stupid tiny nylon bag thing with me wherever I go… it has my 3 meds in it. One is to keep my BP normal, one is to reduce the amount of swelling in my feet and the last one is to prevent me from having a heart attack and slumping in the middle of the road. Today, I actually forgot the medicine bag when I was rushing out of the house… (._.) If I croak before closing time, please delete my browser history abeg.
*sigh* Deep down, I’m just an ajebo struggling to live this hectic Lagos life… :’(
Meanwhile, in a bid to make my life easier, I got a new security guard at home. I got him the same day I was discharged from the hospital. My neighbour’s security guy (Ibrahim) brought him to me. Initially I was surprised because I recognized him as one of the security guards on my street… I thought he worked for the lady in the house opposite mine. Apparently, the lady had sacked him early that morning. I also found out that the guy doesn’t understand A WORD of English so Ibrahim had to act as the interpreter during the interview.
The interview didn’t take longer than 5 minutes. I asked him about his career goals and aspirations. Then I asked him about his academic qualifications and how he plans to contribute to the growth of the organization that is my house.
I’m kidding…
I asked him why his former madam sacked him. He told one very short story about not opening the gate for her brother at 2:00am in the morning. It was an incredible story, hard to believe, but I was desperate. The deal I struck with the nurse was that I was being discharged to go home and rest, not carry buckets of water or go outside at 5:00am/11:00pm in the morning/night to switch the generator on/off. The 11:00pm one is the most painful because that’s around the time the sleep is just getting sweet).
I hired him immediately and by day two, I figured out why his former madame sacked him. Whatever is in his skull is the secret ingredient that makes Dangote cement blocks so hard. And it’s not just the English… he’s daft.
I like to think of myself as a “nice-ish” madame because with all the mouth I make, I can’t bring myself to scream at or insult a grown man who works for me. Sometimes I wish I could… just let it out there and then, scold the guy and forget about it. Instead, I just get upset and warn him. If you try that nonsense again, you go commot from this house!! That’s as far as I go. This new blockhead really reeeeally gets on my nerves though. A few times, I’ve locked him out of the compound and he has had to spend the night with one of his numerous security friends on our street. But then I started to suspect that he might secretly enjoy those occasional sleep overs cos he knows notin dey happun…
Last week, I finally lost it and screamed at him. I called him all sorts of names, told him he was a blockhead and told him that he was going to get out of my house. I was so frustrated! He stood there silently with his head bowed and as I was screaming, he just kept mumbling, “Yes madam” “Yes madam”…
“Are you maaad???”
“Yes madam.”
“If that generator goes bad again, I will kill you!!! Do you hear me??!”
“Yes madam”.
“You want to spoil it for me abi? They sent you to me!!!”
He nodded and said, “E send am.” I went to sleep and woke up an hour later to loud banging at the front door. He was standing there with a black nylon bag that had all his possessions.
Me: What is it?
Blockhead: E dey go madame.
Me: You don taya for the work?
Blockhead: E dey go.
Of course by then, I had calmed down, and a big part of me was ashamed of myself for getting so angry. I didn’t want him to leave… after almost a month. The last security guy didn’t stay very long either. At this rate, if I continue like this, my security man count will exceed my body count. Also, I thought of all the stress I would be facing. Yes, he is daft, yes he sleeps too much and yes, he always forgets to switch over to NEPA after turning off the generator, but he is always available. However, my pride was not going to tell him to stay so I asked him to get Ibrahim the interpreter.
As soon as the interpreter saw me, he started begging on behalf of his blockhead brother.
“No ves madam… na de Ingilis de worry am. Abeg no ves.”
Apparently, because of all my shouting earlier, he thought I had sacked him and that was why he packed his stuff up. The interpreter continued to beg while I acted like I I was pondering over whether or not to let him go.
Me: Ibrahim, I don taya for your brother o! Im dey make me shout. I no wan too shout.
Interpreter turned to the blockhead and said something in Hausa. I could tell he was also angry with blockhead. They had a short exchange and finally, blockhead looked up at me and said, “Sorry madame.”
I fronted some more and finally said he could stay. They both started to thank me profusely. I held my hand up to silence them…
Me: Wait wait wait… what of my generator? How we go do am? I see say you wan spoil am for me abi?
Blockhead: Yes… e dey spoil am.
(-__-)
LMAOOO… is he your only option? cos I don’t know why you would take him back. Cos his risks outweigh his benefits which is not a good thing. Abeg, be searching for another person before this one gives you high bp.
Remember, you’re supposed to be ‘taking things easy’
Amen, my dear, I think they are all the same thing… the last one I got, I took him because he didn’t know anyone around and he didn’t have any friends there. It didn’t take him time to join their aboki security posse. Before long, they had infected him with dreams of saving enough money to get an okada. As soon as he got his okada, he ran away…
I’m still searching sha… :'(
Too much drama with these guys…hehehe.
Too much drama! If Nigeria was working well, God knows I wouldn’t need him…
Hahahahahaha…..I have said it before.You wee not kill me Ngo.I totally get your plight.i served in the north and for the first two months, it was always war between me and Hausa bike men.I quickly learnt how to ask if they knew where i was going to after the first incidents but later realised that they always lie they know just to make money and end up putting you both in misery trying to find the location later.Like someone earlier said,just try to take things easier and he can help you learn a few sentences for better communication.
Exactly! They will never agree they don’t know… it’s crazy. My blockhead says “Yes” to everything!
As for the language, I know “kwai”/”koi” means egg, “kankana” is watermelon and “blockhead” is blockhead 😉
Thank you Yemisi :-* :-* I’m thinking I might take my leave soon…
Lmaoooooooooo! Hahahahahahahhahahaha never laffed so hard! Dnt mind these yeye useless non speaking gatemen, sometimes i feel like dey understand us perfectly! I have been thru 4 in the last 1 year, trust me, he who findeth a good mayguard findeth a very good ting !
Wow… four is plenty o, but I totally get how that can happen. This is my first non-Ingilis speaking one though and I’m sure he doesn’t understand. He’s naturally blockheaded.
Meanwhile, I’ve searched and searched for that scripture and I can’t find it. Is it old or new Testament? (-___-)
Thank you Stanis!
Glad you are feeling better dear,don’t sack him until you get someone else so you don’t stress yourself getting water and putting on the gen.it’s really difficult to get good help these days so long as he’s not stealing from you or a threat to you physically, my sister half bread is better than full chin chin. Lol
Ebose love, they are all the same thing… the most painful part for me is that, if Nigeria was working well, I wouldn’t have to bother with all this honestly. Lemme just butter this half bread and manage it like that for now… :'(
Lmao! E don.spoil.am finish
Spoil what? I will kill him… I’m still recovering from repairing that gen.
E dey spoil am!! 1 chai I almost died. I can totally relate dear, at a point it seemed we had a new one every other week. The last one we had, preffered the car wash some blocks away where he can watch semi nude girls gyrating to life band music than his humble gateman house. Thank God for the current one, he’s calabar and he’s amazing, very hardworking.
LOL! E dey spoil am! Most of the security men have no training for the job they apply for. Anyway, some do get better, depending on their zeal to learn. Take good care of yourself.
Hi Ngozi,
Been refreshing your page every other day for quite a long time and still haven’t caught a whiff of you, hope you’re good?
Just checking! Take care.